ACT. III. SCENE. I.
Enter Croſtill reading a Letter, Saveall.
Croſ.DOe you know the contents Mr.
Saveall of the
familiar Epiſtle you have brought me here?
Sav.No Lady, but I gueſſe it a faire expreſſion of the
Writers affection to you, although hee deſired mee to
crave your pardon for the rudeneſſe of his ſtile, it
being the firſt that hee hath compoſed of that con-
D 4Croſ.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Croſ.Ha, ha, ha, I’le truſt you ſir, with the full know-
ledge of it, pray read it your ſelfe.
Sav.I finde ſhee is pleaſed, and my indeavour proſ-
perous, for the young Gentleman, I am ſorry that I de-
laid a day in the delivering of it.
Croſ.Pray read it out ſir, for I finde it ſo pleaſant that
I could heare it a whole day together.
Reades.
Sav.In the firſt place you ſhall give mee leave to
wonder at your impudence (though it be but in your
dreames) to have a thought that I ever intended, or can
be drawne by perſwaſion, force, or the power of witch-
Bleſſe mee! ſure if hee writ this, the Devill dictated
Croſ.On ſir, that’s but his firſt charge.
Sav.Secondly, I am to tell you, that I am warme
in mine Unkles favour. And ’tis not a peece a time,
or five peeces for a peece of pleaſure can undoe me;
and ſo I can have change, and ſcape the captivity of
This could no otherwiſe be done but by the Devill that
Croſ.What follows I pray, there’s the firſt and ſecond
point paſt? marke his method.
Sav.Thirdly, and laſtly, let mee adviſe you, ſince
you are ſo hot upon Marriage, though I aſſure my
ſelfe you love none but mee, (and I thanke you for’t)
that you frame or diſſemble an affection to ſome one of
the City, who is but comparative to yourſelfe in blood
and fortune, and ſo you may make by-uſe of me as your
friend, and have children like me,
[D4v]Croſ.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Croſ.Have you ever heard ſo queint a Love Letter?
Sav.Lady, the injury done in it, to your ſelfe is un-
anſwerable, but my wrong in being his Meſſenger, I will
Croſ.Excuſe me Sir, he has done me a favour; I pray
informe him ſo with my great thankes. But for what
you conceive a wrong to your ſelfe, uſe your diſcretion,
you have no more to ſay to me for him at this preſent,
Sav.Not for him but againſt him, I will un-ſay all that
I ſayd before intended for his good.
Croſ.But i’le not heare you wrong your former love,
and judgement of him ſo, which made ſo deepe impreſ-
ſion here, that I had lock’d his love up as a Jewell in
my Breaſt, and you in ſtriving now to wreſt it thence
may breake the Cabinet; I rather wiſh you’l be a friend-
ly meanes to draw his preſence hither, that I my ſelf may
Sav.Are you ſerious Lady?
Croſ.I feare I ſhall not reſt before I ſee him, but doe
not tell him that, leſt in this ſullen humour, hee force his
abſence to afflict mee more; I’le hold you ſir no lon-
ger, deale for me as you can, I know you have a gueſſe at
Sav.I’le doe you ſervice in it.
Exit Croſtill.
I gueſſe that her deſire is to doe ſome act of Revenge
upon him. And (ſo it be not mortall) it were but Ju-
ſtice in her for ſo groſſe a ſcorne by him caſt upon a well
reputed Gentleman. Yet is it obſerv’d in her that ſhee
has a violent humour to do, and not to doe things often-
times wilfully againſt all good councell or perſwaſion,
ſhee has the ſpirit of contradiction in her, and an unal-
terable reſolution upon ſodaine intentions, a moſt incor-
rigible will ſhee has that will not bow nor breake. This
croſſe abuſive Letter therefore may doe good upon her,
[D5]however
A mad Couple well Match’d.
however miſchievous hee might intend it. If ſhee meant
well to him before, it may the faſter bring her on, but it
amazes me that hee ſhould write ſo, bearing his Unkle,
and my ſelfe in hand, that hee ſo fairely lov’d her, and
beſought us to negotiate with her for him, ſhould ſhee
forgive it, yet the wrong to us in his vile manners is un-
pardonable, and ſo ſir, I come to you.
Enter Careleſſe.
Sav.What miſchiefe or deſpight have I e’re done you,
That could provoke your deſperate ſpleene againſt mee,
Car.What doe you meane good ſir?
Sav.You have employed mee baſely, made mee your
Carrier of ſcandall, and ſcurrility to the hands
Of nobleneſſe and vertue. Could the Fiend
Luſt that is in you ſuffer you to write
No other Senſe or Language to a perſon
Of her faire Name, and Worth, then ſuch as Ruffians
Would ſend to ſtrumpets? or it being ſuch,
Enter Wat.
Could not a Porter, or your Pandare there
Serve for the lewd conveyance?
Ha’ ſent it ſo, and your own right hand with it;
Then to have drawn my juſt revenge upon you.
Draws.
Car.Hold I beſeech you, and ſir, though I loſe the
Widow by my error (which was indeed but a meere
accident) let mee not be ſo miſerable made as to loſe
you, before you heare a ſhort Examination—
Deliver’d you the Letter which I ſent
Yeſterday to the Damſell that you wot of?
Wat.Yes ſir, ſhee read it, kiſt it a hundred times,
Then made a boſome Idoll on’t,
And ſayes you are the nobleſt Gentleman
[D5v]Under
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Under a Saint that e’re tooke care for ſinner.
Car.Hell take her for a miſtaking whore,
Shee has the widows Letter, and the widow hers,
I found it ſir, when you judiciouſly
Said it was Ruffian-like, and Strumpet-language.
Wat.How could you erre ſo ſtrangely
?
Car.O ſlightly, ſlightly, curſe o’ my heedleſs braine!
And then too be trapp’d with careleſneſſe,
When I was ſo religiouſly reſolv’d,
T’incline to vertue, and a Marriage life,
Thinking with one hand to caſt off my follies,
And to take hold of vertue with the other,
For ſir, (I will confeſſe my ſelfe to you)
The Letter you conveyed was in defiance,
A looſe liv’d wanton, intended to a whore,
That impudently hopes an intereſt in me.
Sav.It was not ſo directed.
(The Hell confound it on’t
) my giddines:
I ſeald both Letters e’re I ſuperſcrib’d ’em,
And ſo gave each the contrary direction.
Sav.’Twas a groſſe careleſneſſe, and if you loſe
A fortune by’t, do not blame your friends.
Car.That fortune ſhould favour a whore before
An honeſt woman. ’Twas the ſweeteſt Letter,
The daintieſt winning things——(the Devills in’t)
Shee muſt not carry’t from the widow ſo.
Fetch mee the Letter againe.
Wat.Do you thinke ſhee’l part with’t ſir?
Car.Cannot you beat it out of her ſir
?
Wat.I cannot tell how to do that.
Car.Thus ſir——i’le give you demonſtration, you ma-
licious Rogue, you that conſpirſt with her to betray me,
ſo good a Maſter I have beene to thee, and ſo good a
friend to her, i’le recompence you both.
[D6]Wat.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Wat.You have undone us both, and will diſcard us
now you are warme in your Unkles boſome agen——
Car.But what you Traitor you
?
Wat.You put me in good minde, and if I do not ſome-
Car.I owe you ſomewhat for your laſt-nights abſence,
too pernicious Villaine that kepſt thy ſelfe out o’ the
way o’ purpoſe that I ſhould bee drunke, and abuſe
my ſelf, and the houſe here all lay o’ your abſence, There’s
ſomewhat more for that.
(Beats him.)
Wat.’Tis all upon account ſir.
Car.Who knowes an honeſt Servingman that wants a
Sa.Was it your mans fault Mr.
Careleſſe? if I be not
Car.No faith, To ſpeak truth he was as much abus’d
in it, as you in doing a thing as contrary to his vile con-
ditions, as you did to your noble Name. But I crave
onely your pardon, I know not what I doe beſides. This
croſſe blow of chance ſtaggers my reaſon ſo——
Sa.Well ſir, ſince I have found the errour, my reaſon
reconciles me to you, and ſince it grew out of your equall
intent to caſt off the evill, as to embrace the good, I will
re-mediate for you to the widow.
Car.But yet ſhee’l know I have had a whore. Yet
then you may ſay, ’tis ſuch a running Diſeaſe among
young Gentlemen, that not one of a hundred has ſcap’d
it, that have prov’d ſtay’d men afterwards, and very ſo-
ber huſbands; As looke you yonders one may prove,
whom now I have in good ſooth a great deſire to
Enter Lady, and Bellamy talking.
Sa.In your Aunts preſence, and your Unkles houſe;
Though I were not his friend; could you be ſo outragi-
ous? I muſe I ſee him here though.
[D6v]Car.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Car.Cry you mercy ſir, are you his friend
?
Sa.I make my ſelfe ſo, hee being dependent to my
nobleſt Lord, whom I am bound to honour.
Car.What Lord I pray, that I may honour him
Car.That loves women above wine, wine above
wealth ,wealth above friend, and friends above himſelfe.
There’s no ſcandall in all that ſir.
Sa.It goes ſo of him indeed, but he loves honor above
Car.In the name of fleſh, for what dos his Lordſhip
employ that Angle-worme to my Aunt
? Hee has had
her this houre in private conference, cloſe chamberd up
together, not ſo much as Matron
Nurſe in the roome
with ’em. ’Tis a fine ſleeke thing, and almoſt pitty to
hunt it, but ſure I muſt beat it, as place and time conve-
La.Pray Mr.
Saveall move you my Husband for
it, I would not medle in his money matters wil-
Sa.Five hundred pound for my Lord upon the men-
tioned ſecurity, I will break it to ſir
Oliver.
Car.Is that the buſineſſe after ſo much privacy? very
prety, my Aunts a woman too, and my Unkle may have
as forked a fortune, as any of the City, that lend out mo-
ney to hedge in Lordſhips.
La.I am his Lordſhips ſervant.
Bel.And I your Lordſhips good Madam. And yours
Sa.I am for your way Mr.
Bellamy.
Car.And I ſir, and’t pleaſe you.
Exit Sav. Bel.
La.George Careleſſe, I would ſpeak with you.
[D7]Car.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Car.May I not wait upon your Gentleman to the
La.No good
George, though I commend your cur-
teſie, yet would I not you ſhould neglect your owne
Car.Umh– – – I am under Government.
La.The young man, if you have modeſty will thinke
you mock him, if not you’l make him become arrogant,
know you not whoſe man he is
?
Car.No tis apparent, this over-ſlighting of him pro-
claimes ſhee loves him, whoſe follower Madam, and I
know Lords followers, Knights fellows.
La.Not all Lords followers to all Knights
George.
Car.To as many as their faire Ladies will give way to,
that are not faint-hearted.
La.I underſtand you not
George; ſomething troubles
you, you are not right to day.
Car.I am only as I am in your favour Madam.
La.Come I know what perplexes you, and ’tis there-
fore that I deſire to talke with you; I am not angry
with you, but let mee tell you
George, although not
openly I tooke notice of the pickle you came home in
laſt night, after your Unkle was in Bed; to whom, mer-
vayling at your abſence I excus’d you, as gone at my
requeſt to viſit ſome Ladies with whom you ſtaid Supper,
I told him, when you were with your Roucers.
Car.But did you never go
?
La.Indeed I did, and he was ſatisfied.
Car.O my ſweet Lady Aunt
! I was indeed amongſt’em,
Car.I will abuſe your goodneſſe ſo no more.
La.Say and hold
George, for your own good.
Car.What’s now become of mee, I am under cor-
[D7v]La.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
La.I would you could have ſeene your ſelfe, and how
your diſguiſe became you, as I was told, I do but friend-
ly tell you of ſome paſſages, as they were to mee related,
by thoſe whom I have charm’d to ſpeake no more on’t.
Be ſecure therefore in your Unkle.
Car.O my deare heavenly Aunt
!
La.Firſt, at the doore you bounc’d like a Giant at
the Gate of an inchanted Caſtle, before which could be
opened offence was taken by you at your Sedan-men;
for asking money ( as appeard afterwards
) more then
you brought from the Taverne, and leaving their office
fouler by a diſtemper’d ſtomach-full, then you found it.
In the ſtrife for theſe ſad cauſes your Sword being ſeiz’d
on, you being unable to uſe it, were found by my ſervants
at
Luggs with your brace of Corps bearers, in the dirt,
and their poore hovill Chaire turnd on his ridge in the
Car.I’le never be drunk agen.
La.I hope you will ſay ſo, when you have heard all
George; but by the way your late ſtock being ſpent, here
are ten peeces towards a ſupply.
Well ſir, the ſtriefe appeas’d, you were tane in. Then hay
is there no Sack i’ the houſe
? Tis for you in you Chamber
is replid, up you are had, where is the Rogue my man
?
not ſeene ſince Yeſterday; Fetch me a wench. Bleſſe us
cries old
Sim the Butler, wee have none i’th houſe, nor
cannot ſend for any out o’ dores. Doſt– – – tell me that? is
not my Ladies Woman, my Ladies Chamber-maide, the
Laundry-maide, the wench under the Cooke, my Ladies
Nurſe old
Winter-plum, nor my Lady her ſelfe within
?
I know, or will know all the ſhee things in the houſe.
La.But why me up in your bedroll
George?
Car.Pſeigh.
(Beats his head)
La.You remember none o’ this!
[D8]Car.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Car.It is not worth it Madam.
La.Nor how you ſcar’d Chamber-maid, whom
I ſent in
love to ſee care taken for you, not dreaming of any ill
thought in you, doe you remember how you told her,
and what you would give her, when your Unkle died for
a ſmall preſent curteſie
? ſhe was faine to ſaisfie you with
a falſe promiſe to ſteale to bed to you before foure men
could force, or humor you into it.
Car.What an unhallowed Raſcall was
I!
La.’Tis well you conſider it now. And ſtill conſider
How ill exceſſe of Wine, Roaring and VVhoring be-
comes a Gentleman, and how well ſobrietie, curteſie, and
noble action, and dangers wait upon the one ſort, and
what ſafety accompanies the other
!
Car.Wine, Roaring and Whoring,
I will lay that ſay-
ing of yours Madam to my heart; but Wine is the great
wheele that ſets the reſt a whirling.
La.True
George, for had you not firſt beene ſullied
with Wine, you would not have abus’d your ſelfe to ha
tumbled in the dirt with your Litter-mules, nor offer’d
to ſeduce my Chamber-maide. Suppoſe you had over-
come her, how could you have come off but with
ſhame to your ſelfe, and the utter ruine of the poore
Car.Still ſhee corrects me for my medling with baſe
matters and people, ſhee is not angry ſhee ſayes, though
I call’d for her laſt night i’my drinke, ſhee gives me mo-
ny,
I will now underſtand her, and whereunto all her
former favours and her later admonitions are directed,
and preſently appeare a gratefull Nephew.
La.Nay, bee not ſad upon it
George, as
I would win
you from your faults,
I would have you ſtill be cheer-
full. If any thought troubles you, you may be free with
[D8v]Car.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Car.O Madam you have made me, and now take me
Car.Freely and wholly, the trueſt, faithfullſt ſervant,
and I thinke the ableſt that any Lady of your lacks and
longings ever beſtowd a favour on, though I ſay’t my ſelf.
You’l ſwear’t when you have tri’d me, and’t be but houre-
La.Is the man ſound troe?
Car.I defy Surgeon, or the Potecary can come againſt
La.Sound i’ your ſenſes ſir, I meane.
Car.O for blabbing Madam never feare mee, now I
am reſolv’d to live ſoberly, and be onely yours. And
with ſuch pleaſure, with ſuch ſafety, ſecreſie, and
fulneſſe, I will ſo conſtantly ſupply you, that you ſhall
not have time to dreame of the defects of your old
La.Doe you meane your Unkle, and not know whoſe
wrong you unnaturally and ſinfully purſue
?
Car.No man living Madam can doe it for him, more
naturally and leſſe ſinfully; I am of the ſame fleſh and
blood, and bring his youth to your pleaſure, how can
you thinke old Unkles children are got? or how came
up the proverbe,
Shee is one of mine Aunts, doe you
thinke? You would have a child by him. All your
Cawdells and Cock-broaths will never doe it, An old
mans generative ſpirit runs all into braine, and that runs
after covetouſneſſe too, get wealth, not children. Believe
it, much Nephews helpe belongs to it, and then the chil-
dren are not degenerate, I cannot thinke but many
Unkles know it, and give way to it, becauſe ſtranger
bloods ſhall not inherit their Lands, and ſo ſweet Aunt
if I live not to inherit his, my ſon may, in your firſt born.
There will be a ſweete comfort to you.
ELa.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
La.But is all this in earneſt
?
Car.In earneſt? yes, And I pray ſo take it, and let it
be a bargaine, and now preſently in the Chamber, I will
make you my firſt payment for the purchace.
La.Fie, fie, you doe but ſay ſo?
Car.That ſhall be tri’d preſently. Come ſweet Ma-
dam, I finde you are willing, and I ſweare I am reſolute,
and will be as ſecret as your own woman, if you will not
goe I proteſt i’le carry you.
La.Nay preythee
George ſet me down a little.
Car.Pſewgh——I need none o’ theſe wheſings I.
La.But prathee tell mee, doſt thou not all this onely
to trie me, or am I a Rogue thinke you, or wouldſt thou
ſeriouſly that thine own naturall Unkle, thy bountifull
Patron, nay thy father on the matter, ſhould ſuffer ſuch
Car.Harke there againe, Madam have I not proved
ſufficiently and plainely, that I ſhall in doing the feate
for him doe him the greateſt right in the world, in getting
him, and you an indubitable heire, and to give him both
the comfort, and the glory of it
?
La.Was ever ſuch a Reprobate?
Car.And you can doe him no wrong
(though you had
not a Ladies priviledge
) to Cuckold him, for aſſure your
ſelfe hee Cuckqueanes you, now come Madam.
La.You ſpeake not on your knowledge.
Car.I never was his Pimpe, but what I have heard, I
have heard. Now come Madam.
La.I heard Mr.
Saveall proteſt within theſe three days
that hee thought my Husband the chaſteſt man (of a
Gentleman
) that he knows.
Car.O did hee ſo, Madam, believe it they two have
whor’d together, and that
Saveall has pimpt for him of-
tener then you ever lay with my Unkle.
La.What! ſince he married me?
[E1v]Car.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Car.What elſe?
Saveall is not onely his grave Para-
ſite, but his Pimpe, and has ſpent my Unkle more in
theſe civill punctuall wayes, then I in all my whole de-
bauches, what did you thinke hee kept him for? O
they are a brace of ſubtle dry Tweakes, come now
La.What an inhumane Villain’s this
!
Car.I’le tell you all now upon our inward acquain-
La.You have told too much already to have any ac-
quaintance with me at all, nor ſhall you, unleſſe you pre-
ſently recant all that you have, or would have ſaid upon
La.Stand further and replie not, leſſe I call in thoſe
that ſhall ſadly ſilence you. Have you abus’d your Unkle,
and the next beſt friend you have i’ the World, in hope
thereby to abuſe mee moſt, that was no enemy of yours
till now you juſtly have provok’d me?
Car.I tooke not a right courſe.
La.Was this the beſt conſtruction you could make of
my love to you, or a fit requitall, to make me an inceſtu-
Car.Yes, yes, a pox my courſe was right enough, but
I undertooke her at an ill ſeaſon. Her ſpruce ſpringall
left her but now, i’le tell her ſo Madam.
La.Come I perceive you are ſorry; and that’s a
part of ſatisfaction. Therefore for once i’le winke at
your tranſgreſſion, eſpecially before others. Here’s one
Enter Cloſet.
Car.I doe, the Devill blind her.
La.But tempt me ſo againe, and i’le undoe you.
E 2Car.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Car.I know how you’l undoe mee witty Madam,
La.Nay be not ſad
George, diſcover not your ſelfe, and
you are ſafe, for once I tell you.
Car.Shee’l come about I ſee.
La.But will you Cozen goe, and doe that for me
?
Car.Moſt readily good Madam, I have your full di-
La.All Coſen, if you forget not.
Car.I cannot be ſo negligent in your ſervice Madam,
I finde by this fain’d errand ſhee dares not truſt her trol-
lop there, I love her wit now too.
Exit.
La.He is both ſchoold, and coold I hope. Now
Cloſet
Clo.Of a Citizen Madam that intreats to ſpeake with
La.Doe you not know his Name, or Trade?
Clo.Yes, I had both eene now, but I have ſuch a
La.If you have loſt ’em by the way pray go back and
ſeeke ’em, or bring you his buſineſſe.
Clo.I aſk’d his buſineſſe Madam, and told him hee
might truſt mee with it without a hand to his booke, but
he ſaid it could not be delivered, but by his owne word
o’ mouth to your Ladiſhip.
La.What ſtrange matter is it troe
? or what Citizen,
is not his Name
Saleware ?
Clo.Yes Madam, and he is a
(O this head
) a——
La.A Silkeman is he not
?
La.I hope his impudent Wife has not told him all,
if ſhee has, where’s his remedy in this Womans Law-
Clo.There’s a Gentleman with him too Madam.
La.Then wee ſhall have it, ’Tis his Wife ſure, well I
[E2v]am
A mad Couple well Match’d.
am prepar’d for the incounter. Bid ’em come up, if they
grow violent or too bold with mee, i’le ſet my Nephew
George upon ’em. ’Tis not his Wife, what Creature is it
troe with me, Mr.
Saleware?
Enter Saleware, Phebe.
Sal.Craving your pardon Madam, a few words in the
behalfe of this poore Kinſewoman of mine, touching
a Gentleman, who I heare lives in your Houſe, Mr.
George
Careleſſe, Madam, by whom ſhee has received much
Sal.Pray Madam read this Letter, weepe not, but
hold up thy head Cuz, wee will not be daſht, nor baſht
in a good cauſe; pray read you Madam.
La.I am now (Lady) in favour with my Unkle,
and in faire poſſibility of a good Estate, deporting my
ſelfe (I intend to doe) a civill Gentleman. To which
end (induc’d as well by reaſon, as by long continued
affections) I tender my ſelfe to you in the holy con-
dition of Marriage. If you vouchſafe your conſent,
(which is my moſt earneſt requeſt) I ſhall not onely
declare my ſelfe a good Husband, but the moſt
Sal.Wherein appeares the injury to your Kinſwo-
Sal.In flying from his Word, and Deed Madam. He
has borne her in hand theſe two yeares, and uſe her at his
pleaſure, detaining her from her choyce of many good
fortunes, and at laſt ſends her this to make amends for
all, and denies his act the next day, ſending his man to
take the Letter from her, pretending ’twas directed to
another. But never the ſooner for a haſty word Coſen,
we will not be daſht nor baſht, I warrant thee.
E 3La.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
La.Here’s the direction.
To the Lilly white Hands
of Miſtris Mariana Gymcrack, is that your Name
Phe.I am the ſorrowfull one that is knowne by it
Sal.Never the ſooner for a haſty word Coſen.
La.I conceive the buſineſſe, and find the error, and my
La.What would you have me doe Mr.
Saleware?
Sal.You have diſcretion Madam, and I made choice
of your Ladiſhip to open this matter unto you, rather
then to Sir
Oliver himſelfe, whom I would not willing-
ly exaſperate againſt his Nephew, you may be pleaſed in
a milder way to temper him, and worke a ſatisfaction for
my Kinſewoman; Sir
Oliver and your ſelfe Madam, are
noble Cuſtomers to my Shop, and for your ſakes I would
not deale rigourouſly with your Kinſeman, if a gentle
end may be made. But, if you cannot ſo compound it,
the Law lies open, money and friends are to be found, a
good cauſe ſhall not be ſterv’d, I will not be daſht nor
baſht,
Sapientia mea mihi is my word, and ſo good Madam
La.’Tis pity a Gentlewoman ſhould ſuffer too much,
and I like her ſo well at firſt ſight, that I am eaſily mov’d
to doe good for her, is ſhee your Kinſewoman in blood
Mr.
Saleware, or your wifes?
Sal.Mine I aſſure your Ladiſhip, though my wife can
boaſt as great and noble friends I thank fortune, as the
wife of any Tradeſman that carries a head in the City,
(but that’s by the by) yet I came of a better houſe, and am
a Gentleman borne, none diſprais’d.
La.Well Mr.
Saleware, leave your Kinſewoman with
me a little while, you ſhall not be ſeene in my act, i’le try
[E3v]Sal.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Sal.With all my heart good Madam, and dee heare
Marina, This is a noble Lady, beare your ſelfe diſcreetly
in the buſineſſe, and towards her: you may get a Hus-
band by’t, or at leaſt a compoſition that may purchace
one to ſholder you up. But carry it high and worthy of
the houſe I brag of, or——
Sapientia mea mihi, ſtultitia
tua tibi, That’s my ſentence.
Phe.Well ſir, you neede not doubt my high Car-
Enter Cloſet.
La.Take this Gentlewoman to your Chamber, and I
charge you let none ſee her, or take notice of her, but your
ſelfe and me, till I give order.
Exit Cloſet.
I ſhall doe ſomething for her doubt not Maſter
Sale-
Sal.I ſhall be bound to your Ladiſhip, now to my
Shop, to which I thanke my Wife ſhee has beene a Wild-
cat theſe two dayes, which muſt be borne with as wee
are friends. And from my Houſe all Night, and yet no
Greene-gooſe-faire-time; Nor though ſhee were ſo ab-
ſent muſt I be ſo unfriendly as to queſtion her, where, or
with whom ſhee was; a new Article this twixt Man and
Wife! But
Sapientia mea mihi, ſtultitia ſua ſibi. Thus it
muſt be where Man and Wife are friends, and will
continue ſo in ſpight of chance, or high heeld ſhooes,
that will awry ſometimes with any Women.
Shee is not yet come home heere. What
The Shop
Ladies that, and not my Wife there to
diſcover’d,
handle her handſomely for her Money? My
Alicia, &
ſervants are ſuch Aſſinegoes! ſtay, are mine
Bellamy.
eyes perfect? ’Tis ſhee, ’tis my Friend-
wife, and in the Courtly habit, which ſo long ſhee has
long’d for. And my Lord
Lovelies Gammed with her.
E 4His
A mad Couple well Match’d.
His Lordſhip lay not at home to Night, neither at his
Lodging, I heard that by the way. I cannot thinke my
Lord and ſhee both ſate up all Night to ſee the Taylors
at worke, and to haſten the finiſhing of thoſe Cloaths,
if ſhee were with him which I would not be ſo unfriend-
ly to inquire for the worth of a Wife. ’Twas right ho-
norably done of him to ſend her home as gallantly at-
tended as attir’d, if ſhee die —a—a—lie with him all
Night, which I will not be ſuch a beaſt to believe al-
though I knew it. I muſt come on her with a little wit
though, for which I will precogitate.
Al.Once more your ſtory, for I am not ſatisfied with
Bel.Can a Woman take ſo much delight in hearing of
another Womans pleaſure taken?
Al.As it was given by you I can, for I am prepard by
it to take pleaſure from you, and ſhall with greedineſſe
expect it till I have it.
Bel.Then know I pleas’d her ſo, that ſhee proteſt-
ed, (and I believe her) her Husband never pleas’d
Al.Or any other man you ſhould ha’ put her to that,
her Husband’s but a Bungler.
Bel.Nay ſhee ſwore deeply, and I believ’d her there
too, no man beſides her husband but my ſelfe had e’re
injoy’d her, but let me tell you Lady, as ſhee was amply
pleas’d ſhe may thanke you.
Al.For ſending you, I know ſhe did and will.
Bel.That was the firſt reſpect, but not the greateſt:
For in our Act of love, our firſt and ſecond Act——
Bel.In reall deed, I can ſpeak now like an embolden’d
[E4v]Al.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Al.Well, but what in your Acts of Love?
Bel.I had you ſtill in my imagination, and that en-
abled mee to be more gratefull to her Ladyſhip, which
wrought her thankfulneſſe to you, expreſt in a hundred
pieces, ſent by me, more then I tould before, which are
your own ſhee ſayes, ſince tother morning ſhee was here
Al.That token confirmes all. Had I the ſpirit of
Witchcraft, when puting upon chance for my Revenge,
to find Reward! Have you the money?
Bel.Safe at my Chamber for you.
Al.O you are cunning, leſſe I ſhould breake with you
you thought to oblige me by’t.
Bel.I’le rather run and fetch you twice the ſumme,
I conceal’d it onely to give it you unexpectedly.
Al.Sweete
Bellamy I am yours, I could be ſorry now
I have loſt ſo much of thee. This Kiſſe, and Name your
Sal.Would they had done whiſpering once, that I
might enter ſafe in my manners.
Al.Shall you be ready ſo ſoone thinke you after your
Bel.O with all fulneſſe both of Delight and Ap-
Al.And with all faith and ſecreſie I am undone elſe,
you know my vowes unto my Lord.
Bel.And can you thinke I dare be found your meane,
Al.No more my husband comes. Pray Sir returne my
thanks unto my Lord for his right noble bounty, and
not mine alone, for ſo my husband in much duty bound
alſo preſents his thanks unto his Lordſhip.
Sal.Yes, I beſeech you ſir.
Bel.I am your willing Meſſenger.
[E5]Sal.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Sal.Hee is my moſt honored Lord, and has ſo many
wayes obliged me both by my wife, and in mine owne
Bel.I take my leave.
Exit.
Sal.Still this is an Aſſinego. I can never get him to
ſtand a Conference, or a Complement with mee. But
Sapientia mea mihi, what was that friend you made mee
ſend thanks for to his Lordſhip, what new favour has
hee done us, beſides his councell——Theſe Clothes, the
coſt was mine you told mee, out of the odd hundred
pound you tooke, what late Honour has hee done
Al.Iſt not enough I know Friend? will you ever tranſ-
greſſe in your impertinent inquiſitions?
Sal.I cry you mercy friend, I am corrected juſtly.
Al.Will you never be governd by my judgment, and
receive that onely fit for you to underſtand, which I de-
liver to you undemanded
? Doe not I know the weight
of your floore thinke you ? Or doe it you on pur-
poſe to infringe friendſhip, or breake the peace you
Sal.Never the ſooner for a haſty word, I hope
Al.Did you not Covenent with mee that I ſhould
weare what I pleaſed, and what my Lord lik’d, that I
ſhould be as Lady-like as I would, or as my Lord deſir’d;
that I ſhould come, and go at mine own pleaſure, or as
my Lord requir’d; and that we ſhould be alwayes friends
and call ſo, not after the ſillie manner of Citizen and
Wife, but in the high courtly way?
Sal.All this, and what you pleaſe ſweete Courtly-
friend
I grant as
I love Court-ſhip, it becomes thee
Sal.And
I am highly honor’d; And ſhall grow fat by
[E5v]the
A mad Couple well Match’d.
the envy of my repining Neighbours, that cannot main-
taine their Wives ſo like Court-Ladies, ſome perhaps
(not knowing wee are friends) will ſay ſhee’s but
Tom
Salewares Wife, and ſhee comes by this Gallantry the
Lord knowes how, or ſo. But
Sapientia mea mihi, let the
Aſſinegos prate while others ſhall admire thee, ſitting in
thy Shop more glorious, then the Maiden-head in the
Mercers armes, and ſay there is the Nonparrell, the Pa-
ragon of the Citie, the Flower-de-luce of Cheapſide, the
Shop Court-ladie, or the Courtſhop Miſtris, ha’ my ſweet
Al.How do you talke? As if you meant to inſtruct’em
Al.To prevent that
I will remove out of their walke,
Sal.Never the leſſe for a haſty word
I hope Friend.
Al.Fie, ’tis uncourtly, and now i’le tell you Friend,
unaskd, what
I have done for you beſides in my late ab-
ſence, and all under one.
Sal.Under one! yes, I could tell her under whom if I
Al.What’s that you ſay Friend
? mee thinkes you
Sal.No Friend, I was gueſſing what that other thing
might bee that you have done for mee, all under one.
You have taken the Houſe i’le warrant, that my
Al.By my Lords favour and direction
I have
taken it, And
I will furniſh it ſo Courtly you’l ad-
Sal.Muſt
I then give up Shop, or lie ſo far remote?
Al.No you muſt keepe your Shop Friend, and lie here
Sal.And not with you but there
?
[E6]Al.
A mad Couple well Match’d.
Al.No not with me at all Friend, that were moſt un-
Sal.But I ſhall have a Chamber in your houſe, and next
to yours. Then in my Gowne and Slippers Friend at Mid-
night——or the firſt Cock.——
Al.Softly for ſtumbling Friend, i’le doe you any
honourable offices with my Lord, as by obtaining ſutes
for you, for which you muſt looke out, and finde what
you may fitly beg out of his power, and by courtly fa-
vour. But keepe your Shop ſtill Friend, and my Lord will
bring and ſend you ſuch cuſtome, that your Neighbours
ſhall envy your wealth, and not your Wife; you ſhall
have ſuch commings in abroad and at home, that you
ſhall be the firſt head nominated i’ the next Sheriffe ſea-
ſon, but I with my Lord will keepe you from prick-
ing. Bee you a Cittizen ſtill Friend, ’tis enough I am
Sal.Here’s a new Courtlie humour, I ſee no remedy,
unleſſe
I run my ſelfe out of credit, defie the life of a Cit-
tizen, and turn Courtly too.
Al.What’s that you ſay? doe you not mutter now
Sal.No, not a ſillable Friend, but may not I give up
Shop and turne Courtly too Friend?
Al.As you reſpect my Lord, and your own profit, you
muſt be a Cittizen ſtill, and
I am no more a Cittizens
Wife elſe, and ſhee muſt be a Cittizens Wife, that wuſt
doe all in all with my Lord Friends. Though my Lord
loves the Clothes of the Court, hee loves the diet of the
City beſt Friend, what ever
I weare outwardly hee muſt
finde me Cittizens Wife, which Friend, O hee’s a ſweet
Sal.Well it ſhall be then as the ſweete Lord will have
it,
Sapientia mea mihi.
Exeunt omnes.
[E6v]ACT.
