Enter TRYMAN, [brought on in a bed]* attended by ISABEL, JOAN,
CRASY [as Doctor Pulse-Feel], with an urinal.

280IsabelLook* up, mistress.

281JoanTake a good heart, the worst is past, fear not.

282TrymanAh, ah, ah!

283IsabelReach the bottle again of Doctor Stephen’s water.

284CrasyNo, no, apply more warm clothes to her stomach. There the matter lies which sends this distemperature into her brain. Be of good cheer, gentlewoman.

285TrymanIs Master Wolsey there?

286IsabelNothing but Master Wolsey ever in her mouth.*

287JoanPray, sir, how do you like her? I am much afraid of her.

288CrasyLet me see. Tonight it will be full moon. And she ’scape the turning of the next tide, I will give her a gentle vomit* in the morning that shall ease her stomach of this conflux of venomous humours and make her able to sit a hunting nag* within this sennight.

289JoanA rare man sure. And, I warrant, well seen in a woman.*

290TrymanUh, uh, uh, uh!   [TRYMAN] cough[s] and spit[s].   

291CrasyWell said! Spit out gently, strain not yourself too hard.

292TrymanAgh ...fagh!

293Crasy’Tis very well done. La’ you. Her colour begins to come. I’ll lay all my skill to a mess of Tewksbury mustard* she sneezes thrice within these three hours ...

294Linsy-WolseyGood sir, want nothing that your skill shall approve necessary in this time of need. Good wives and kind neighbours, I thank you for your cares.

295TrymanIs Master Wolsey there?

296IsabelShe does nothing but call for you, sir. Pray speak to her.

297TrymanWhere’s Master Wolsey?

298Linsy-WolseyHere, lady. How do you?

299TrymanThen I am even well methinks ...agh ... agh!

300Linsy-WolseyShe’s very far gone, I fear. How do you find* her disease, sir?

301CrasyDangerous enough, sir. For she is sicker in mind than in body. For I find most plainly the effects of a deep melancholy, fallen through her distemperature of passion upon her liver,* much disordering, and withal wasting the vitals, leaving scarce matter* for physic to work on. So that her mind, receiving the first hurt, must receive the first cure.

302TrymanAgh, agh, ah ... pagh fagh........!
[TRYMAN] cough[s] up in a basin.*

303CrasySo, so. Strain not yourself too hard. No hurt, so, so. Here’s* melancholy and choler both in plenty.

304JoanHe speaks with great reason, methinks, and to the purpose.   [Aside]   I would I understood him.*

305CrasyDo you not know, sir, any that has offended her by open injury or unkindness?

306Linsy-WolseyAlas, sir, no such thing could happen since her coming hither.

307CrasyThen, on my life, ’tis love that afflicts her.

308TrymanOh, oh, uh, oh ...!

309CrasyI have touched her to the quick. I have found her disease, and that you may prove the abler doctor in this extremity.

310Linsy-WolseyWho I? Alas I believe no such matter.

311TrymanMaster Wolsey, Master Wolsey!

312CrasyHere he is, lady. Pray speak your mind to him.    [to LINSY-WOLSEY]   Must I pull you to her?    [to TRYMAN]    Here he is. What do you say to him? Pray speak.

313TrymanO no, no, no, no...

314Crasy    [to LINSY-WOLSEY]   She hath something troubles her that concerns only you. Pray take her by the hand. Do as I intreat you.    [to TRYMAN]    Lady, we will go and leave you in private awhile, if you please.

315TrymanPray do. O but do not, pray do not.

316Crasy    [to LINSY-WOLSEY]   Do you perceive nothing in this passion of hers? How does she feel your hand?

317Linsy-WolseyO she does* so quiddle it, shake it, and gripe it!

318CrasyYou are then the man, sir, the happy man. For she shall recover suddenly.*

319Linsy-WolseyWho I? Alack a day.*

320TrymanWhat, will you have me die intestate? Is not my will made, as I directed?

321JoanWhere are you, Master Sarpego, with the will?

322SarpegoAd manum.* Sweet buds of generosity, forbear: you may admirare* at the abundance here specified, but not find a legacy bequeathed among you.   [SARPEGO produces] a will   

323TicketWe expect nothing.

324RufflitI only wish your health, lady, and that it may, or might have been, my happiness to sue to you for love as I do now to the highest power for life.*

325TobyWould I were married* to her, as she is and ’twere but for an hour, I cared not. Had my mother been but acquainted with her before she fell sick, here* had been a match!

326SarpegoO dii immortales!* A rich widow shall have suitors on her deathbed.

327Tryman   To Ruff[lit]   Good sir, it is too late to speak of these things. I only crave and wish your prayers in your absence. This place can yield no pleasure to you I know. Master Wolsey, pray your hand again. I could be even content to live methinks, if I had but such a man as you to my huh,* uh, uh, uh ...   She coughs.   

328CrasyBy your leave, pray by your leave. Help, women. Bear up her body a little. Bow it forwards.* So, speak to her, sir.* Good lady, drink of this cordial.
[TRYMAN] drinks.

329Linsy-WolseyHow do you now, forsooth?

330CrasyWhat, now she is drinking?* [TRYMAN drinks again]    [to LINSY-WOLSEY]   Now speak, sir, you or no man* must do her good.

331Linsy-WolseyHow do you, forsooth?

332CrasyWell said, sir, speak cheerfully to her.

333Linsy-WolseyHow dee do? How dee do, Mistress Tryman? How ist now, ha?

334Ticket    [To Rufflit]   Very comfortably spoken!*

335Rufflit    [To Ticket]   Aye,* was it not?

336Linsy-WolseyAlas she cannot speak. I’ll call my neighbour Mistress Sneakup. If any body can make her speak, ’tis she.

337TobyI’ll call my mother for you. She will make her speak, if she have but a word left in her belly ...* Mass, here she comes.

338PyannetHow comes it Master Wolsey, that you have a gentlewoman sick in your house and not send for me? Let me feel her hand. Alas, she is shrewdly distempered. When had she a stool,* sir? Prithee, daughter, step home to my closet, and bring the vial of ......... my own water,* which stands next to my blue velvet cabinet.

339Josina   [Aside]   That’s my doctor was with me today.Exit JOSINA.

340PyannetShe’s a young gentlewoman, may have many children yet. Let me note her eyes:* I find nothing there. When did you see her water, Master Doctor?

341Crasy   [Aside]*   What Devil sent this fury among us?

342PyannetIn troth I beshrew you, Master Wolsey, you sent not for me, but I hope I come not too late.   [To TRYMAN].   Pluck up a woman’s heart,* you shall find a good neighbour of me.

343TrymanI will thank you in my will. I shall not live to thank you otherwise.

344PyannetAlas, talk not of your will. You shall have time enough to think of that many years hence.

345CrasyI tell her so, lady, yet she calls for it still.

346TrymanPray let me see it, that I may sign it. Uh, uh ...

347PyannetLord how my daughter stays. Good Sir Andrew Ticket! worthy Master Rufflit! My son Tobias is highly honoured in your noble acquaintance and courtly conversation.

348TicketWe rather hold ourselves dignified in being his endeared companions.

349TobyI assure you, mother, we are the three* of the Court.

350PyannetI most entirely thank you for him. And I do beseech you make yourselves no strangers to my poor house. We are alone, can give but light entertainment, my daughter and I, since my son Crasy’s misfortune drove* him from us ...
Enter JOSINA with a vial.*

O welcome, daughter* ...    [To TICKET and RUFFLIT]   I beseech you, noble sirs, estrange not yourselves to us, your servants.

351Crasy   [Aside]   Pox o’your compliment.*

352PyannetGive me the vial, daughter. Take up the lady.*   [To TRYMAN].   Taste of this. It is a composition of mine own distilling.
TRYMAN drinks.

353TrymanUh, uh, uh, umh ...

354PyannetWell done. Nay it will make you break wind,* I tell you.

355Ticket    [To JOSINA].   By the service I owe you, sweet mistress, ’tis unfeigned. My wife desires to see you.

356Rufflit    [To JOSINA].   As I can best witness; and fears* you enjoy not the liberty of a woman since your husband’s departure. Your brother having promised too to conduct you to court.

357Toby    [To JOSINA].   It is confessed and I will do it.

358Ticket    [To JOSINA].   Where the best entertainment a poor lady’s chamber can afford shall expect you.

359JosinaI shall embrace it.

360Crasy   [Aside]   ’Sfoot, ’tis time to part you ...    [To JOSINA].   Mistress, I beseech your help joined with your virtuous mother’s.
[CRASY] pulls [JOSINA] aside.

361Josina   [Aside to CRASY as PULSE-FEEL]   You forget the young man that can dance, write, and keep counsel.

362Crasy   [Aside to JOSINA]   I forget you not, lady. But I wish you to beware of these courtiers till I tell you what they are.

363RufflitI’ll be hanged if this doctor be not of her smock council.

364PyannetHow is it now, good heart?

365TrymanMuch enlightened*, I thank Heaven and you. Now, pray, read, sir, my will.

366SarpegoIn Dei nomine.* Amen.

367TicketO let us hear the will.

368SarpegoI, Jane Tryman of Knockers Hole,* in the county of Cornwall, widow, sick in body, but whole in mind, and of perfect memory, do make my last will and testament, in manner and form following.

369CrasyAs for the manner and form ’tis no matter. To the legacies briefly.*

370SarpegoHum, hum. Imprimis,* a dole of bread to be given to the poor of this parish ... five pound.*

371TrymanStay. This I entreat of you, Master Wolsey, that, whether I live or die, this dole may be given tomorrow. It was the charge of my mother to see it done, saying it was better to take the prayers of the poor with me than leave them to be sent after.*

372Linsy-WolseyIt shall be done, and you, I hope, shall see it.

373SarpegoTo Master Sarpego, the writer hereof, a mourning gown and forty pound* to preach at the funeral.

374Linsy-WolseyHow! forty pound?*

375SarpegoDi boni!* No. ’Tis forty shillings.* Item, to my nephew, Sir Marmaduke Trevaughan* of St. Miniver,* one thousand pound in gold.* Item, to my nephew Master Francis Trepton,* one thousand pound in gold.* Item, to my kinsman, Sir Stephen Leggleden, I do forgive two thousand pound* for which his lands are mortgaged to me. Item, to his daughter, my God-daughter Jane Leggleden, five hundred pound* in money, my best basin and ewer; two silver flagon pots, and three silver and gilt standing cups.* Item, to the poor of the parish of Knockers Hole, ten pound,* and forty pound* towards the reparation of their church. Item, to Master Linsey-Wolsey the ring which was my wedding ring, and fifty other rings, with several stones in my trunk in his house, valued at two hundred and fifty pounds.* Item, to all his servants, and to the women that attended me in my sickness, five pound* a piece.

376JoanNow the Lord receive her to his mercy.

377IsabelMy legacy will save her life for never anybody died yet that bequeathed me anything.

378SarpegoItem, to my page, Jeffrey Crack, forty pound.* And all my other servants ten pound* a piece. Item, to my niece, Barbara Tredrite,* five hundred pound; my second basin and ewer; a dozen of silver dishes; and four dozen of silver spoons. Lastly, all the rest of my lands, jewels, plate, money, debts, moveables and unmoveables, to my dear and loving brother, Sir Gregory Flamsted, whom I make my full executor. In cuius rei testimonium,* and et cetera. This is the brief of it.

379Tryman’Tis well. Only add to ...uh ... a gold chain also in my trunk to this virtuous gentlewoman. And another chain, that is there of pearl, to her daughter. To this learned doctor twenty pound.* And to the gentlemen which have visited me, for them and their friends an hundred pound* to be spent in a banquet.

380SarpegoHoc nihil refert.* I must write all over again then.

381TrymanDo so then. And make your forty* shillings five pound.*

382SarpegoGratias vel ingentes ago.* It shall be done ...Exit [SARPEGO].

383TrymanNow Master Wolsey, and your virtuous neighbour* here, I entreat that when I have signed this will that you keep it till my brother comes to town. This doctor shall direct you in all. And that he may be the better able so to do, I desire you all that I may a while be private with him.

384Linsy-Wolsey, Ticket, Rufflit, Pyannet, Josina, Toby, Isabel, Joan, Crasy.With all our hearts.Exit* [LINSY-WOLSEY, TICKET, RUFFLIT, PYANNET, JOSINA, TOBY, JOAN, ISABEL leaving] CRASY, TRYMAN

385TrymanAre they all gone? Now Master Doctor, what think you of the sick widow? Has she done her part* hitherto?

386CrasyBeyond my expectation! Better than I for a doctor.

387TrymanYou are right. And I am even the same* for a widow as you for a doctor. Do not I know you? Yes, good Master Crasy. I dare trust you because you must trust me. Therefore know, that I, the rich widow, am no better than a lady that must live by what I bear about me.* The vulgar translation* you know, but let them speak their pleasure; I have no lands and, since I am born, must be kept.* I may make the best of my own,* and if one member maintain the whole body, what’s that to anyone?

388CrasyI collected as much by your young whiskin that brought me hither.

389TrymanIt was by my direction that he did so. And, by my instructions, he has had an eye upon you in all your disguises ever since your pretended journey out of town. Nay, startle not, nor muse at my acquaintance with you. I have had you in my purlieus* before you were a freeman and will hereafter give you certain tokens* of it. In the mean time, if you comply with me you can be no loser by it. I am grown weary of my old course* and would fain, by wiser,* do myself good before age or diseases* make it too late.

390CrasyI will work close and friendly with thee. Therefore say this rich coxcomb* is thine own. O here comes your pigwidgeon.*
[Enter CRACK].*

391TrymanHe is of counsel* and one of us. He is indeed my brother and has been one of the true blue boys of the hospital,* one of the sweet singers to the city funerals* with a two penny* loaf under his arm.

392CrackWell he never sung to the wheel* in Saint Bride’s nunnery* yonder.

393TrymanNay, Jeff, be not angry. Thou hast sung to the organs* I know, till, fearing their downfall, thou betookst thy self into my more certain* service. All friends, good Jeff.

394CrasyYes, yes, we must all agree and be linked in covenant together.

395CrackBy indenture tripartite* and’t please you, like Subtle, Doll, and Face.*

396CrasyWitty Jeff. I cannot see which can be spared from the rest, lest the whole trade break.
CRACK sings.*

Then let us be friends and most friendly agree.
        The pimp and the punk and the doctor are three,
        That cannot but thrive when united they be.
        The pimp brings in custom, the punk she gets
        Of which the physician is sure of his measure,
        For work that she makes him in sale of her pleasure.
        For which, when she fails by diseases or pain,
        The doctor new vamps and upsets her again.

398CrasyThou art a brave lad and in the high way* of preferment.

399CrackNot the high Holborn* way I hope, sir.

400CrasyAnd for you, damsel, as I said before, say to yourself, the match* is yours.

401TrymanI mean to say and know it shortly. Some three days hence* all may be completed. Now draw the curtains* and follow your affairs, while I put on my sick face again. Uh, uh, uh.
They put in the bed* and withdraw all.


402SarpegoNow* could I accost that Catilinarian* traitor that defeated me of my ten pound,* I have a precogitated oration should make him suspend himself. But abiit, evasit, erupit.* Or if the rich widow would have died there had been a supply.* But she is nearer a nuptial than a funeral and hopeless Sarpego, that should wed, has not* to furnish him to his intent, Væ mihi misero nec aurum, nec argent ... tum!* Here comes my beatitude.*

403BridgetO are you here, sir? I was to seek you. My old mistress* would speak with you instantly.

404SarpegoMy legitimate spouse, when is our day of conjunction?

405BridgetOur day of conjunction? Marry, faugh, Goodman Fist. Our day of conjunction?

406SarpegoDid you not once vow you did love me?

407BridgetDid not you once swear you had money?

408Sarpego Hic iacet,* I am now but a dead man.
a court-messenger*

409PyannetO where’s Master Sarpego? Fortunate Master Sarpego! Venerable Master Sarpego! O sir, you are made. Never think under right worshipful.* Imagine nothing beneath* damask gowns, velvet jackets, satin sleeves, silk nightcaps, two pages and a footcloth.

410SarpegoThe son of Phoebus* rectify your brainpan.

411SneakupIndeed, and’t shall please your worship, it is ...

412PyannetIt is! What is it? You will be speaking, will you? And your wife in presence, will you? You show your bringing up. Master Sarpego, bless the time that ever you knew the progeny* of the Sneakups: my worshipful son and heir apparent hath preferred you to be the young Prince his tutor.* Here’s Master Holywater, a gentleman of place,* a courtier of office,* is sent for you.

413CrasyRight fortunately-learned sir. So passionately doth his Grace* approve the language, literature, and ’haviour of your sometimes pupil,* Master Tobias Sneakup...

415CrasyThat I was, with all expedition, commanded to entreat your instant attendance.

416SarpegoUmh, umh ...

417Crasy’Tis even so, sir; you are like to possess a prince’s ear.* You may be in place * where you may scorn your foes, countenance your friends, cherish virtue, control vice, and despise fortune. Yes, sure shall you, sir. And (which I had almost forgot) your old pupil* entreats you to send him by me the ten pound* he lent you: an odd* ten pound, that he may be furnished with the more seemly complements to conduct you to his Grace.

418SarpegoQuid nunc?*

419Pyannet   [Aside to SARPEGO].   Whist* Master Sarpego. Let not your poverty be read in your face. Here’s ten pieces.* Bear it as* your own payment.   [Addressing CRASY].   You talk of ten pound for my son, sir?

420SarpegoO an odd driblet. Here, friend, I use* not to carry silver: convey it in gold.

421BridgetI hope, dear love, you will not forget your affection to me now.

422SarpegoPoor maid, I will prefer thee to scratch my head, make my bed, wash my shirt, pick my toes, and evacuate my chamberpot. I will instantly procure me attire fitting my fortune and attend the Grace of Court...Exit [SARPEGO].

423BridgetNow am I but a dead woman.[Exit BRIDGET].*

424Crasy    [to PYANNET]    I am much grieved for’t.* It was your son’s much labouring that Master Crasy was sent for, to sell his Grace some jewels. But since his fortunes are so sunk that he hides his head, I can but lament his loss.*

425PyannetShall I tell you, sir?   [To SNEAKUP].   Pray you, husband, stand aside.    [To CRASY].    My son-in-law Crasy is not now worth ....* his very wife. We hoped he would have proved a crafty* merchant, and he proved an honest man, a beggar (if I chance to speak above your capacity,* I pray tell me of it). And, as I said, when I perceived he began to melt and that every stranger abused him, I, having some wit, fell too, and most cozened him myself. I looked* for my daughter’s good and so, betwixt us, found the trick to get or steal from him two jewels of good deep value, being indeed the main of his rest of fortune. Now, sir, I come to you.

426CrasyAye,* now you come to the point.

427PyannetRight, sir, for there is no woman, though she use never so many bywords, but yet in the end she will come to the point. Now, sir, I, having these jewels, will send them by my husband. A poor, easy, weak man, as you see, but very obedient in truth ...

428CrasyBy your husband?*

429PyannetYes, do you mark? By my husband. But now note my wit: his Grace knows not Crasy. My husband, habited like a citizen, shall take the name of Crasy upon him, offer his jewels to the Prince. You shall present them, praise them and raise* them. His Grace pays; my husband returns; and we will share. Do you approve?

430CrasyNay, admire.*

431PyannetAway then! No compliment among good wits,* but away!   Exit CRAS[Y].   Come our ways hither, good man. Put off your hat, make a leg,* look simply. Why so! Pish, ne’er* tell me: he will make a rare citizen.* I have jewels for you to carry to the Prince.

432SneakupYes, forsooth, I’ll carry them.

433PyannetLa! you are so quick! I have charged you not to shoot your bolt* before you understand your mark. And you shall carry them* like a citizen, call yourself Crasy, sell them at my price and now cast no further. You see the limits of your understanding. Now, sir, how will you bear yourself to his Grace? How behave yourself at court?

434SneakupI hope I am not too wise to learn.

435PyannetWhy, that was well spoken. Modest mistrust is the first step to knowledge. Remember that sentence.* Now mark. I will instruct you: when you come at the Court Gate,* you may neither knock nor piss. Do you mark? You go through the Hall covered; through the Great Chamber covered; through the Presence* bare; through the Lobby covered; through the Privy Chamber* bare; through the Privy Lobby* covered; to the Prince bare.

436SneakupI’ll do’t, I warrant you. Let me see. At the Court gate neither knock nor make water. May not a man break wind?

437PyannetUmh. Yes, but (like the Exchequer payment)* somewhat abated.

438SneakupThrough the Great Chamber bare.*


440SneakupCovered? Well. Through the Presence covered.

442Sneakup.Bare? I will put all down in my tablebook, and con it by the way.

443PyannetWell thought on. Something he has in him like my husband!* But now you come before the brow of royalty. Now for your carriage there, sir. Suppose me the Prince.* Come in, and present. Here sits the Prince. There enters the jeweller. Make your honours. Let me see you do it handsomely.

444SneakupYes, now I come in, make my three legs* ... and then ...


446SneakupYes, and say ...

448SneakupNay, that I know not.

449Pyannet   [As CRASY].   An’t please your Grace, I have certain jewels to present to your liking.

450Sneakup   [As CRASY].   An’t please your Grace, I have certain jewels to present to your liking.

451Pyannet   [As the Prince].   Is this Crasy, that had wont to serve me with jewels?    [As Holywater].   It is that honest man, so please your Highness.   [As PYANNET]   (That’s for Master Holywater, the by-flatterer, to speak.)   [As the Prince].   You are a cuckoldly knave, sirrah, and have often abused me with false and deceitful stones.

452Sneakup   [As CRASY].   My stones are right,* so please your Excellence.

453PyannetWhy that was well, very well. I perceive there is a certain infection* taken with lying with a woman that hath a good wit. I find it by* my husband. Come, I’ll disguise you, and away to court instantly.

454SneakupTruly, wife, I fear I shall be discovered among the gallants presently.

455PyannetNo, no, a fool is never discovered among madmen.Ex[it PYANNET and SNEAKUP].*
CRASY in his court habit.*

456CrasyWell* Doll,* (that thou sayst is thy name) though I had forgotten thee, I protest. About London Wall* was it, saist thou?* Well, I cannot but highly commend thy wisdom in this, that so well hast mended thy election from being a fountain of aches, bald brows and broad plasters,* thus to remember thy creation.*

457TrymanI did consider, and I think rightly, what I was; and that men that loved my use,* loved it but to loathe me:* therefore I changed myself into this shape of a demure, innocent, country widow that had scarce beauty enough to be tempted,* but not wit enough to be naught;* and quite forsook the path I trod in, and betook me to this private course of cozenage.

458CrasyBut all my wonder is at the means: how thou got’st into this house and reputation. And to be held a woman of such an estate.

459TrymanThat shall be made plain to you hereafter.
Enter CRACK.

Now brother Jeffrey,* where left you Master Wolsey?

460CrackAmong the mercers, so troubled as if all the satin in Cheapside* were not enough to make you a wedding gown. He is overjoyed* that his happy day is at hand and I overheard him invite one special friend to his nuptials. He cannot contain himself. On a sudden he fell a singing, O she’s a dainty widow.* O are you come, sir, in your new shape? Does not that beard* fit you handsomely? Thank my acquaintance with the players.

461CrasyI think thou art acquainted any way to set out knavery.

462CrackIf you can perform your part as well, ’tis well. Hark! I hear him coming.

463Linsy-WolseyWhere are you, sweet widow? Look you, look you: how do you like these patterns?*

464TrymanSir, here’s a gentleman has a letter* to you. He tells me it imports the making or the undoing of his dearest friend.

465Linsy-WolseyFrom whom I pray you?   LINSY-WOLSEY reads [the letter]   

466Crasy*Your sometimes neighbour, sir, Master Crasy.

467Tryman   [Aside to CRASY]   It shall take effect, doubt not.

468Crasy   [Aside to TRYMAN]   He scratches* his head, though.

469Tryman   [Aside to CRASY]   He had as lief part with his blood as his money.

470Linsy-WolseyMaster Crasy writes to me for thirty pound,* the value of a ring I had of him. I grant I am to pay threescore* at my day of marriage, but we are all mortal and who knows whether I shall live till tomorrow.

471CrasyIf not, sir, your bond is due tonight: for it is equally payable at your hour of death.

472Linsy-WolseyO but such payments never trouble a man. What the eye sees not...*

473TrymanAre you in bonds,* Master Wolsey, for your day of marriage?

474Linsy-WolseyOnly for this sixty pound.* ’Tis for that ring you wear and I gave you upon our contract.* ’Tis worth thirty pound* ready money.

475TrymanThen, when you are married, you may say you paid the rest for your wife. Pray sir, make even such reckonings before you wed. It will show nobly in you towards your poor creditor and be a special argument of your love to me, your wife. Pray discharge it. I shall not think you love me else.

476Linsy-Wolsey*   Aside [to CRASY]   Hark you, sir, if you will take thirty pound in full payment and give me in my bond, here is your money. ’Tis your best course.    [Aside]    Alas, I am an unlikely fellow for wedlock. What woman, think you, would bestow her self upon me, a stale bachelor, unhandsome and poor ... not worth above six or seven thousand pound?*    [To CRASY]    Do. Take thirty pound.

477CrasyIf you please to befriend Master Crasy but with thirty pound, I’ll set it received* upon the bond. Here it is and he shall demand no more till it be due.

478TrymanPray, sir, pay it all, and take in your bond. You shall be married within these two days; tomorrow, if you please. What use will your money yield you for a night? Pray pay it. In truth I’ll pay it else. ’Tis but threescore pound.

479Linsy-WolseySayst thou so, sweetheart? Come, sir, come in and tell your money ...Exit [LINSY-WOLSEY, TRYMAN and CRACK].*

480CrasyAnd thank you too, good Master Linsy-Wolsey, that knew so well a bargain was a bargain, and would not part with your money to be laughed at among your neighbours.* I would heartily now, if I could intend it. But I must purse your money and then about my court affairs. This wench I am infinitely beholden to. She remembers some old courtesy that I have forgotten. Perhaps I piddled with her when I was ’prentice. Exit [CRASY].
Enter SARPEGO in gorgeous apparel.

481SarpegoThis is the Presence.* I am much amazed, or stupefied, that Master Tobias Sneakup, my quondam* pupil, attends not my conduct!* Ha! So instant was his Grace, his importunity to enjoy me, that although I purchased the loan of clothes, yet I had not vacation,* nor indeed variety,* to shift my shirt. And now I come to Court, I feel certain little cattle of infamous generation about me, that do most inseparably haunt me.* Now if, when the Prince surveys me, any of them* being strangers here, should peep to behold strange sights, and his Grace perceive them,* what should I answer? ...
CRASY at the hangings.*

482Crasy   [Aside]   O my glorified pedant in his most natural strut!*

483SarpegoI will say it was by influence of the heavens, or, to appear the more perfect courtier at the first dash, I will say that though my outside* were glorious, yet of purpose I left my inside lousy.*
Enter SNEAKUP like a citizen.*

Sed, O dii! Quem video? nonne* Master Sneakup?

484Crasy   [Aside]   See my worshipful father-in-law! Now the woodcocks shoot into the glade.*

485SneakupPray ye peace, you must not know me.

486SarpegoO monstrum horrendum!* May not you and I know one another?

487SneakupPray go home and ask my wife.*
Enter* CRASY in haste.

488CrasyMaster Crasy. Is not one Master Crasy here?

489Sneakup.Yes, sir. Here is Master Crasy for a need, sir.*

490CrasyWell done. Be bold, sir. Let not your dissimulation be read in your eyes.* You know me; give me the jewels.

491SneakupYes, sir.

492CrasyLet me alone to present them to his Grace and praise them before you are called.

493SneakupWill you do so, sir?

494CrasyYes. For you know I must not seem to endear them before your face, for that would smell rank of correspondency.

495SneakupYou say right, sir.

496CrasyBut betwixt us both we’ll make a shift to cheat him. Stay you here. I will return instantly. O Master Sarpego! Your pupil will come and conduct you presently.
           [Aside]   Thus sometimes, by deceit, deceit is known:
        ’Tis honest craft, by wit, to get one’s own. ...*Exit [CRASY].

497TobyMy quondam*pedagogue!

498SarpegoMy nuper alumnus!* Come, present me to the Grace of Greatness. I am ready. Behold I am approached,* according to thy entreats, to approve thy praise and mine own perfection. Set on: his Grace shall see that we can speak true Latin, and construe Ludovicus Vives.* Go, set on.

499TobyI cry you mercy, sir. Upon my troth, I took you for Master Sarpego, my learned tutor. He is very like him, is he not, gentlemen? But now I come to myself again, I remember this was never his walk,* nor these his clothes.

500SarpegoSent you not a nuntius,* or a messenger for me, intimating that it was his Grace his instant desire,* to entertain me as his instructor?

501TicketAlas, he has over-studied himself! You were best let blood in time, sir.

502SarpegoSent I not you, by the same messenger, your ten pound?*

503TobyMy ten pound? Ha, ha, ha! I would laugh i’faith, if you could bob me off with such payment.

504RufflitSure, sir, you use some dormitaries. Best shave your head and ’noint it with oil of roses.

505TobyFather! Father!

506SneakupPray peace, son. The plot will be discovered else.

507TobyThe plot? What plot?

508SneakupThe jewels are sent in. What, I am Master Crasy now, you know. I shall be sent for in to his Grace instantly.

509TobyMidsummer moon!* Midsummer moon!

510SneakupIn very truth, son, hit as ’twill,* I say we are beholding to Master Holywater.

511TobyHeaven not bless me if I understand not the baboon’s mumpings better than your speech. You are more dark than Delphos.* What Holywater?

512SneakupWhy the gentleman, you know, you sent to bring Master Crasy to serve his Grace with jewels.

513TobyFather, heaven pardon me, for sure I have a great desire to call you coxcomb. I sent no man, nor is there any so styled as Holywater about the Court.

514TicketDo you not want sleep, sir?

515RufflitOr have you not seen a spirit,* sir?

516TicketOr have you not over-mused or over-thought yourself, as we doubt Master Sarpego here, has done?

517TobyOr has not my mother over-beaten you, father? You may tell me.

518SneakupSon, I am not so very a fool, but I perceive I am made a stark ass. O son, thy father is cozened, and thy mother will beat me indeed unless your charity conceal me in the Court here, till her fury be over.

519TicketHe shall stay at my wife’s chamber.

520RufflitAnd there instruct us in the passages of this cozenage.

521TobyDo not weep, father. My Lady Ticket will appease* all.

522RufflitAdieu Master Sarpego. Lure your brains back again.Exit [RUFFLIT, TICKET, TOBY, SNEAKUP].

523SarpegoSic transit gloria mundi.* The learned is cony-caught and the lover of Helicon* is laughed at. The last sixpence* of my fortune is spent and I will go cry in private.Exit [SARPEGO].

Edited by Elizabeth Schafer