849Swain-wit   [To CIT-WIT]   Come, sir, must I take you in hand again?

850Cit-witMy Lady will convey* her madman to Sir Andrew Mendicant’s, it seems.

851Swain-witTell me that I know not, and answer my questions.

852Cit-witShe and the doctor, and the tother doctor’s gone with him too.

853Swain-witLeave you by flim-flams, and speak to the purpose.

854Cit-witYou know I ha’ sworn. Do you not know I ha’ sworn?

855Swain-witTo live and die a beaten ass, a coward, hast thou not?

856Court-witPrithee forbear him. He’s not worth thy anger.

857Swain-witAnger! Is every schoolmaster angry that gives discipline with correction?

858Cit-wit   [Aside]   Would he were at Penzance again!

859Swain-witDidst not thou tell my Lady that I was a coward in my own country, and kicked out of Cornwall?

860Cit-witComparatively I think I did in respect of Corineus, that wrestled and threw giant after giant over the cliffs into the sea.*

861Swain-witPox o’ your comparative lies! And didst not thou say that he here   [indicating COURT-WIT]   was peppered so full o’ the whatshacallums, that his spittle would poison a dog or a rat?*

862Cit-witThat was comparatively too, in respect of a pure virgin, a chrisom-child or so.

863Court-witHe never shall move me: I forgive him.

864Cit-witMerely comparatively I speak it.

865Swain-witForgi’ me for swearing: I’ll make thee speak positively, or beat thee superlatively* before I ha’ done with thee.
Enter BOY.

866BoyGentlemen, my Lady—

867Swain-witHold a little. Didst thou not say this child here was a pickpocket? and that he picked thine of thy money, and thy watch, when he was singing between thy legs today*?

868BoyWho, I, a pickpocket?   [BOY] flies at [CIT-WIT.]   

869Cit-witForbear, good [laddy]:* it was comparatively.

870Boy   [Pummeling CIT-WIT]   A pickpocket?

871Court-witForbear and hear him, Hercules*.

872BoyLend me a sword! I’ll kill him and hear him afterwards.

873Court-wit   [Restraining BOY]   Nay, I must hold you then.   [To CIT-WIT]   How was he comparatively your pick-pocket?

874Cit-witThat is, as much as any man I know. That is, I accuse nobody. That is, all are as innocent as the child, and he as the innocent unborn.   [To BOY]   And let that satisfy you.

875BoyLive. I am satisfied. Now, gentlemen, my Lady prays you to follow her to Sir Andrew Mendicant’s.

876Court-witI know the business. ’Tis about our revels.[Exit BOY.]*

877Swain-wit   [To CIT-WIT]   Suffer a child to beat thee!

878Court-witHis cause was bad, you know.

879Swain-wit   [To CIT-WIT]   Incorrigible coward! Say now: art not thou thyself a pickpocket, and a cutpurse? Say.

880Cit-witComparatively it may be said I am to a churchwarden, a collector for the poor or such.

881Swain-witThe conclusion is, that if ever I hear thou mentionst my name again in any sense whatsoever, I’ll beat thee out of reason.

882Cit-witIn my good wishes, and prayers I may. Heaven forbid else.

883Swain-witNot in your prayers, sir, shall you mention me: you were better never pray.

884Cit-witHeaven forbid I should, then!

885Swain-witAnd make thine oath good on that sly fellow that has ta’en away thy wench, or—

886Cit-witHe has not ta’en her yet.

887Court-witYou ha’ not seen her or him these two hours. Has not my Lady called too, and she not to be found?

888Cit-witTrue, true, and if I be not revenged —

889Swain-witDo’t then, now, while thou art hot.

She comes: here take and keep her while thou art hot and hast her.

890Philomel   [To SWAIN-WIT]   Is she at your dispose, sir?
COURT[-WIT] talks aside with DAINTY.*

891Cit-witYour Lady gave you me.

892PhilomelOr am in her gift?

893Cit-witYou are in my possession,   [Aside]   nor shall Lucifer dispossess me of her.

894PhilomelSo valiant on a sudden!

895Cit-witHave I not cause?

896PhilomelYou’ll have me with all faults?

897Cit-witYes, and a match forever.   [CIT-WIT and PHILOMEL] kiss.   

898Swain-witHow means she ‘by all faults’?

899Cit-wit   [Interrupting the kiss]   A word she always uses in waggery.

900Court-wit   [To DAINTY]   By all means take her from him.   [DAINTY demurs.]   What! Afraid of a coward?

901Swain-wit   [To DAINTY]   You must do’t or take the share. He should ha’ had a downright beating.    [To COURT-WIT]   Forgi’ me for swearing:    [indicating DAINTY]   he’s a verier coward than tother.

902Court-witHe will serve the better to flesh him. And do but note his tyrannical rage that is the vanquisher.

903Swain-wit   [To DAINTY, who is dithering]   You will on.

904Dainty   [To CIT-WIT, who is still entwined with PHILOMEL]   Sir, she is mine by promise.

905Cit-witShe’s mine by act and deed, sir, according to the flesh. Let her deny’t and she can.

906Dainty   [Crossing to CIT-WIT and prising PHILOMEL from him]   That shall be tried by law.

907Cit-witBy law of arms and hands it shall!   [Striking DAINTY]   Take that, and let her go.

908Dainty   [To COURT-WIT and SWAIN-WIT]   Bear witness, gentlemen: he struck me.

909PhilomelO pitiful picture-drawer!

910Cit-wit   [To DAINTY]   Will you not draw? I will then.
[CIT-WIT] draw[s his sword].

911Dainty   [Retreating]   What would you have, sir? If she be yours, take her.

912Cit-witThat’s not enough. I will make thee fight. What blindness have I lived in! I would not but be valiant to be Cæsar.

913Court-witO brave Cit! O brave Cit!

914Swain-wit   [To DAINTY]   Why dost not draw, thou fellow, thou?

915DaintyShe’s his, he says; and she denies it not. Shall I fight against him for his own?

916Cit-wit   [To DAINTY]   I’ll make thee fight, or cut thee into pieces.

917Court-wit   [To SWAIN-WIT]   He turns your words over to him.

918Cit-wit   [To DAINTY]   Why dost thou wear a sword? Only to hurt men’s feet that kick thee?
[CIT-WIT] kick[s DAINTY].

919Court-wit   [To SWAIN-WIT]   Do you observe?   [To CIT-WIT]   Nay, thou art too severe.

920Cit-witPray hold your peace. I’ll jowl your heads together and so beat tone* with tother else.

921Swain-wit   [To COURT-WIT]   Forgi’ me for swearing. He’ll beat’s all anon.

922Cit-wit   [To DAINTY]   Why dost thou wear a sword, I say!

923DaintySome other time, sir, and in fitter place.

924Cit-witSirrah, you lie! Strike me for that, or I will beat thee abominably.

925Dainty   [To COURT-WIT and SWAIN-WIT]   You see this, gentlemen.

926PhilomelAnd I see’t too. Was ever poor wench so cozened in a man?

927Cit-wit   [To DAINTY]   The wench thou lov’st and doat’st on is a whore.

928PhilomelHow’s that?

929Cit-wit   [Aside]   No, no, that was not right.   [To DAINTY]   Your father was a cuckold, tho’, and you the son of a whore.

930Swain-witGood, I shall love this fellow.

931DaintyI can take all this upon account.

932Cit-witYou count all this is true, then. Incorrigible coward!   [To SWAIN-WIT]   What was the last vile name you called me, Mr. Swain-wit? Oh, I remember!   [Turning back to DAINTY]   ‘Sirrah, thou art a pickpocket and a cutpurse!’ And gi’ me my money again, and   [Indicating SWAIN-WIT]   him his, or I will cut thy throat!

933Dainty   [Aside]   I am discovered.

934Cit-witDo you answer nothing? Do you demur upon’t?

935DaintyHold, sir, I pray. Gentlemen, so you will grant me pardon and forbear the law, I’ll answer you.

937DaintyIt is confessed: I am a cutpurse.

938Cit-witComparatively or positively do you speak? Speak positively or I will beat thee superlatively.

939Swain-witForgi’ me for swearing: a brave boy.

940Dainty   [To SWAIN-WIT]   Here is your watch and money   [producing and returning goods],   and   [To CIT-WIT]   here is yours   [returning more goods].   Now, as you are gentlemen, use no extremity.

941Court-wit   [Aside]   Beyond all expectation!

942Swain-wit   [Aside]   All thought!

943Cit-wit   [Aside]   Miraculous! Oh, the effects of valour!

944Philomel   [Aside]   Was ever woman so mistaken o’ both sides?

945Swain-wit   [To CIT-WIT]   But dost thou think thou art valiant for all this, though?

946Cit-witYou were best try,   [To COURT-WIT]   or you, or both, or come all three.

947Swain-wit   [To CIT-WIT]   I swear thou shalt have it to keep up while thou art up.*

948Cit-wit   [To DAINTY]   Is this your picture-drawing? Are you the king’s picture-drawer? A neat denomination for a cutpurse that draws the king’s pictures out of men’s pockets!*

949Court-wit   [Shielding DAINTY from CIT-WIT]   Come, sir, come in with us.

950DaintyPray use me kindly, gentlemen.

951Cit-witYes, we will use you in your kind,* sir.
[CIT-WIT] takes PHIL[OMEL] by the hand. [CIT-WIT, PHILOMEL, COURT-WIT, SWAIN-WIT and DAINTY all exit.]*
Enter MENDICANT, [holding] a letter in his hand.

952MendicantThis is the day of my felicity,
        And is the same with that the poet sings*
        Is better than an age.* Come forth, Charissa.

        Now you appear my comfort; and I can
        No less than thank thy sweet obedience
        That hast complied with my directions,
        Bride-like and glorious to meet a fortune
        So great as shall beget the present envy
        Of all the virgin ladies of the court,
        And a posterity that through all ages
        Shall praise and magnify thy act.

953CharissaYour acceptation of my duty, sir,
        Is all that I can glory in.

954MendicantHow are we bound unto this noble lady
        That sent us our instructions!

955CharissaSure I am. If this be a true copy.

956MendicantLet music in her soft but sweetest notes
        Usher their welcome, whilst unto my thoughts   Music.   
        The loudest harmony resounds my triumph.
Enter DOCTOR, and FRED[ERICK] in Doctor's habit, STRANGE[LOVE], PRIEST, FERD[INAND] in the chair as before borne by SERVANTS, [GABRIEL]* as one of the servants.

        Madam, most welcome.

957StrangeloveIn fewest and the softest words, Sir Andrew:
        He sleeps,* and let him gently be conveyed
        Only with those about him to his chamber.

958MendicantCharissa, go! Be you his conduct. Softly, softly! [CHARISSA, DOCTOR, FREDERICK, PRIEST, FERDINAND,
        I see you’ve brought a priest, Madam.

959StrangeloveBy all best reason,
        For when we found he used Charissa’s name,
        When he was calm and gentle, calling still
        ‘Charissa! Where’s Charissa?’ a good space
        Before he slept, and being then demanded
        What would he with Charissa, he most readily
        Replied, ‘Fetch me Charissa and a priest.’
        The doctors in their judgements (unto which
        My full opinion assented) might
        Foresee that, in removing him where she
        Might be his immediate object when he wakes,
        That fresher flames to instant marriage
        Would then arise.

960MendicantIncomparably judicious, Madam.

961StrangeloveYet not without your leave would I attempt it;
        Without your leave, knowing your watchful care
        Over your daughter.

962MendicantAnd that care of mine
        Was, Madam, by your favour
        Principal motive to this great effect.

963StrangeloveTake all unto yourself; I am content.

964MendicantI’d fain steal in and watch th’ event of things.

965StrangeloveBut have you heard, Sir Andrew, the mischance
        Of the unfortunate lover, distracted Frederick?

966MendicantHow! what of him?

967StrangeloveHe’s made himself away.

968MendicantIs’t possible?

969Strangelove   [Aside]   He has by this time, or the priest is tongue-tied.*

970MendicantHe has left no estate worth begging, that’s the worst of’t.
        My joys come flowing on* me — yet I would see.

971StrangeloveAnd hear me, good Sir Andrew, for the love
        I bring to add unto your joys: for I,
        Foreseeing the event of this night’s happiness,
        Have warned some friends to follow me with revels
        To celebrate the marriage of your fortunes.
        See, they are come: pray entertain ’em, sir.

972MendicantThe gallants that were today so merry with me!

973StrangeloveThe same: but very harmless.

974Cit-wit   [To MENDICANT]   All but one, sir. Did you not lose your purse today?

975StrangeloveWhat’s the meaning?

976Court-wit [and] Swain-witWe’ll tell you, Madam.

977MendicantMy purse? I missed it at my Lady Strangelove’s.*

978Cit-witThis picture-drawer drew it, and has drawn more of the King’s pictures* than all the limners in the town.   [To DAINTY]   Restore it, sirrah.

979MendicantI will not take it: ’twas my neglect that lost it, not he that stole it.    [Aside]   This is my day of fortune. It comes home to me, more than I dare receive. O my joys, let me be able to contain you!

980Cit-witHa’ you another purse to lose?

981MendicantI have a purse, which if I lose, I’ll blame myself, none else.

982Cit-witLet him but come so near you as to ask forgiveness for the last, and if he do not take the next, though it be six fathom deep i’ your pocket, I’ll hang for him when his time comes.

983MendicantI’ll watch his fingers for that.
[MENDICANT] sit[s as DAINTY approaches].

984Court-wit   [To STRANGELOVE]   Observe, good Madam.

985Dainty   [Kneeling before MENDICANT]   Sir, at your feet I beg your pardon.

986MendicantIt needs not. Prithee rise.

987DaintyNever, till you pronounce that happy word
        ‘I pardon thee!’ or let me have some token
        Of sweet assurance that I am forgiven,
        Which I beseech you —   [grovelling]   I beseech you grant.

988Mendicant   [Embracing DAINTY, who cuts his purse]   In sooth, thou hast it. Heaven pardon thee as I do.

989DaintyI have it, sir, indeed, and as your gift I’ll keep it, promising before all these witnesses, I’ll never venture for another.*
[Rising to his feet, DAINTY holds up the purse which he has just stolen from MENDICANT.]

990Mendicant’Fore me, an expert fellow! Pity he should be hanged before we have more of his breed.

991Cit-witDid not I tell you, sir? And these are but his short arms. I’ll undertake, when he makes a long arm, he shall take a purse twelve score off.

992MendicantI do not like thieves’ handsel, though. This may presage some greater loss at hand.*

993Swain-witNow, gentlemen, you know your task: be expeditious in’t.

994Court-witI have cast the design for’t already, Madam. My inventions are all flame and spirit.* But you can expect no great matter to be done extempore or in six minutes.*

995Swain-witWhat matter is’t so we skip up and down? our friend Jack Dainty here, Mr. Cutpurse, dances daintily tho’.

996StrangeloveAnd Mr. Cit-wit, you have worthily won my woman, sir.

997Cit-witI have her, Madam. She is mine.

998StrangeloveI’ll make her worth a thousand pound to you, besides all she has of her own.

999Cit-witHer faults and all, Madam: we are agreed o’ that.

1000PhilomelSuppose this boy be mine.

1001Cit-witI would he were else, that I might have him under lawful correction, and the cause o’ my side, for he beat me not long since.

1002BoyAnd you be my father, and do not make much of me and give me fine things, I’ll beat you again, so I will, and my mother shall help me.

1003Cit-witAgreed, Billy! Agreed, Philly! Never was man so suddenly so rich. Nay, never! Look, gentlemen: she is mine, and he’s mine own. I am sure I ha’ got him now, and all faults are salved.

1004Swain-witHer word in waggery is made good in earnest now tho’.

1005StrangeloveTo your business, gentlemen.    [They consult.]*    If you have a short speech or two, the boy’s a pretty actor; and his mother can play her part. Women-actors now grow in request.*
[COURT-WIT produces writing equipment and moves upstage, or to the side, with PHILOMEL and BOY. COURT-WIT proceeds to scribble in his notebook, now and then showing PHILOMEL what he has written.]*

Sir Andrew! Melancholy?

1006MendicantI was thinking on the omen of my purse.

1007StrangeloveFear no further mishap, sir. ’Tis ominousto fear.

1008MendicantPray let’s go in and see how things proceed.

1009StrangelovePray give me leave to make the first discovery. Walk down into the garden. I’ll come to you.
[As STRANGELOVE and MENDICANT start to depart through different stage doors, PROJECTOR 1 and PROJECTOR 2 enter through the door to which she is moving.]*

And here are some would speak with you.[MENDICANT exits through one stage door,
STRANGELOVE exits through the other stage door.]

1010Projector 1Into the garden! Good: let’s follow him.

1011Projector 2’Tis not the repulse he gave us in the morning shall quit him of us.

1012Projector 1No, now his superintendent’s turned away, we’ll once more fill his head with millions.[PROJECTORS] exit [in pursuit of MENDICANT].

1013DaintyI’ll make the dance and give you all the footing.
[He begins to devise dance steps and demonstrate them to CIT-WIT and SWAIN-WIT.]

1014Swain-witStand further off o’ my pocket tho’.

1015Cit-witNo matter. If we lose anything and he within ten miles of us, I’ll make him answer’t.

1016DaintyI want a fifth man. I would have an odd.

1017DoctorThe marriage is performed. The priest has done his office —

1018Swain-witDoctor, can you dance?

1019DoctorAnd sing too: I ha’ forgot much else.

1020PhilomelI’ll speak the speech. Ha’ not I forgot my actor’s tone, trow? I shall remember’t. I could have acted ’em all o’er.

1021BoyI can speak a speech too, mother. Must I call you ‘mother’ now?

1022PhilomelAy, my boy, now I dare avouch* thee.

1023Doctor   [To DAINTY]   What think you of this tune, sir, for your dance?
[DOCTOR begins to hum a tune or to sing wordlessly, and goes on vocalising as long as he remains onstage in this scene]

Tay dee, dee.....

1024DaintyI’ll borrow a viol and take it of you instantly.Ex[it DAINTY].

1025[Raphael]*   (To COURT-W[IT])*   Pray sir, is Sir Andrew Mendicant i’the house?

(He writes in his tables, sometimes scratching his head, as [if] pumping his Muse.*)

1027[Raphael]*   [Still to COURT-WIT, who remains preoccupied by poetic creation]    Is he within, sir, can you tell?    [Aside]   He’s too busy it seems.    (To CIT-WIT, who as [RAPHAEL] move[s] toward him, [takes no notice and] dances, looking on his [own] feet)    Can you tell me, sir, I pray, if Sir Andrew be within?    [Aside]   Very strange! Among what nation am I arrived?    [Noticing DOCTOR]   Here’s one in civil habit sure will answer me.    [To DOCTOR]   Sir, may I be informed by you? Saw you Sir Andrew?     (DOCTOR stretches his throat in the tune.)    Te precor, domine Doctor.*    [Aside]   They are no Christians sure.    ([DOCTOR]sings on.)       (To SWAIN-WIT, who whistles and dances `Sellinger's Round' or the like*)   Sir, may I be informed by you?    [Aside]   Bless me! The people are bewitched.    Enter Dainty [with the viol which he has just fetched].       (TO DAINTY[, who] fiddles to him)    Do you belong to the house, sir?    (The four [DAINTY, CIT-WIT, SWAIN-WIT and DOCTOR], dancing and singing, practise about him.)   I hope for courtesy here.     To PHIL[OMEL]   Lady, will you be pleased —

1028Philomel   Speak[ing] in a vile tone like a player   Oh, by no means! we must speak Charon* fair,
        Or he’ll not waft us o’er the Stygian flood.*
        Then must we have a sop for Cerberus*
        To stop his yawning chaps.* Let me alone
        To be your convoy to Elysium.*

1029Raphael   [Aside]   This is most heathenish of all.
(DAINTY plays softly and DOCTOR [hums or sings] with him aside)*

1030PhilomelI’ll pass that snarling triple-headed cur,*
        Which keeps the palace gate of Pluto’s* court,
        And guide you safe through pitchy Acheron.*

1031Raphael   [Aside]   What woman monster’s this?*    [To BOY]   Sweet young gentleman, let me ask you a question.

1032BoyGrim Death, why rather didst thou not approach
        My younger days, before I knew thy fears?
        Thy pains are multiplied by our years.

1033RaphaelAll lunatic? or gentlemen, do you
        Want leisure or civility to answer me?

1034Cit-witHa’ you done the speeches, Mr. Court-wit?

1035Court-witI have already from the forkèd top*
        Of high Parnassus* fetched ’em.

1036Cit-witAnd shall my wife and Billy boy speak ’em?

1037Court-witAs I’ll instruct you.

1038Cit-witYou write admirably, I confess; but you have an ill tone to instruct in. I’ll read to ’em myself. You give your words no grace.

1039Doctor   [To DAINTY]   You have the tune right. Will you instruct the music men?

1040DaintyAnd you all in the dance immediately.

1041Swain-witBut shall we have no silken things, no whim-whams
        To dance in tho’?

1042Cit-witPerhaps the bride can furnish us.

1043Swain-witWith some of her old petticoats, can she?

1044PhilomelNo, no: my Lady has ta’en care for all.

1045DaintyCome, come away to practise, and be ready.Exit [BOY, CIT-WIT, COURT-WIT, DAINTY, DOCTOR, PHILOMEL,
SWAIN-WIT,] fiddling, [danc]ing, singing, acting, and [so forth].

1046RaphaelNever was I in such a wilderness.
        But my revenge upon Sir Mendicant
        Shall answer all my patience, in the jeer
        I mean to put upon him.
        I will possess him with a brain-trick now,
        A mere invention of mine own (wherein
        Heaven pardon me for lying) shall so nettle him.

1047MendicantGo back and be not seen till I come to you. Ex[it] PRO[JECTOR 1 and PROJECTOR 2].

1048Raphael   [Aside]   He’s come.   [To MENDICANT]   Ha’ you heard the news, Sir Andrew?

1049MendicantWhat, Sir Raphael?

1050RaphaelThat Ferdinand’s restored to’s wits.

1051MendicantI am glad on’t.

1052RaphaelDo you take the loss of his estate so mildly
        Which might ha’ been your own?

1053MendicantI hope you think me a Christian, sir.   [Aside]   But how should he arrive at such a sudden knowledge of it, if it be so? I will pretend ‘tis* true.   [To RAPHAEL]   Yes, sir: he is in’s wits.

1054Raphael   [Aside]   I thought I had lied when I did prophesy.
           [To MENDICANT]   But, sir, my nephew Fredrick —

1055Mendicant   [Interrupting]   Has made himself away: I heard o’ that too.

1056Raphael   (Aside)   I hope not so.*   [To MENDICANT]   Yet there’s another accident,
        Of which you have not heard, may touch you nearer,
        And that indeed’s my business. You, sir, furiously
        Wounded your man today.

1057MendicantNot dangerously, I hope.

1058RaphaelFlatter not so yourself: he’s on the point of

1060RaphaelNor be too much dejected.
        His life you may get off for, as ’twas done
        In heat of blood. Marry, sir, your estate
        (You’ll pardon me) is begged.* Myself has done’t,
        And therein, begged the beggar.

1062RaphaelTake not too deep a sense of it. For if you’ll yield
        That Frederick yet shall have it with your daughter,
        I will remit the estate.

1063MendicantOh, is it so?
        Do you move this for a dead man?

1064RaphaelNo, he lives.

1065MendicantDo you practise on me? Madam, where are you?*
Enter STRANGELOVE, FERDINAND, FREDERICK, CHARISSA, [with] GABRIEL [unnoticed] behind [them].

1066StrangeloveHere, sir, and am become your usher to such guests
        As you must bid most welcome.
MENDICANT stands amazed.*

1067Raphael   [Aside]   She here! I’m then again confounded.

1068StrangeloveNay, Sir Raphael, I protest we will be friends, notwithstanding I have outstripped you in your plot of matching your nephew Frederick here to his love Charissa.

1069RaphaelBut is it so? —

1070FrederickIt is -- in which I hope, sir, you are not offended,
        Who gave me leave by any opportunity
        To take her. I broke no locks nor walls for her.

1071CharissaI beg your pardon, and your blessing, sir.

1072RaphaelAnd is it so with you, Sir Ferdinand?

1073FerdinandIt is, and, sir, in testimony of my recovery, I make demand of my estate, of which you thought yourself possessed.

1074MendicantWhat hopes am I fallen from, and what misery fallen into, when the little I have is begged for manslaughter!

1075Gabriel   [Stepping forward to reveal himself]   I quit you of that, sir.

1076MendicantHow couldst thou deal so with me?

1077GabrielTo show my gratitude.
        You overpaid me for all my former services,
        For which I justly thought I ought you this.

1078FerdinandNor think your daughter undervalued, sir:
        Three thousand pound I give him to augment
        Her fortune in him.

1079MendicantDreams, dreams! All these are waking dreams.[Moving to exit]

1080FerdinandAll real truth, sir. Whither fly you from us?

1081MendicantAm I of all defeated, and by all
        Abused and mocked? More room there: let me go.

1082FerdinandYou mistake strangely.   Flourish.   

1083StrangeloveHark! the revellers.

1084FerdinandThat come to celebrate your joys, which wilfully
        You will not apprehend.

1085Mendicant’Tis all but show. Let go, and I will do
        Something shall add to your delight immediately.Exit [MENDICANT].

1086StrangeloveLet him go and wear out his fit by himself.   Flourish.   
Enter BOY and PHILOMEL, [costumed] as Cupid and Venus.

1087BoyVenus* and Cupid,* my Mother and I —
        Help me — I have it now.
        Venus and Cupid, my Mother and I—
        Help me again. No, no, no.
        Venus and Cupid, my Mother and I—
        Let me alone.
        Venus and Cupid, my Mother and I—

1088FerdinandThere’s an actor now!

1089FrederickHow doubtful of himself; and yet how perfect
        he was!

1090RaphaelA self-mistrust is a sure step to knowledge.

1091StrangeloveSententious Sir Raphael!*

1092RaphaelQuarrels are ended, Madam.

1093FerdinandCome hither, Cupid.

1094PhilomelFrom my Italian mount *I did espy
        (For what is hidden from a deity?)
        How faintly Hymen* did his office here
        Joining two lovers with the hand of fear,
        Putting his torch out for obscurity,
        And made the chamber (which belongs to me)
        His temple. But from hence let fear remove.
        See here, the champions for the Queen of Love:*
        COURAGE, sent from Mars*   [Presenting SWAIN-WIT];   the MUSES’ SKILL,*
        From wise Apollo*   [Presenting COURT-WIT];   and the god which still
        Inspires with subtlety, sly Mercury,*
        Sends this his AGENT   [Presenting DAINTY].   Here’s ACTIVITY
        From Jupiter* himself   [Presenting CIT-WIT].   And from her store
        Of spies, the Moon* sends THIS to keep the door   [Presenting DOCTOR].   
        With art of action, now, make good the place,
        In rite* of love to give the nuptials grace.
After they have danced a while, enter PROJECTOR 1,* [who] breaks ’em off.

1095Projector 1Lay by your jollity, forbear your sport,
        And hear a story shall enforce your pity.

1096FerdinandWhat black tragedian’s this?

1097RaphaelSome nuntius*sent from hell.

1098GabrielOne of my master’s minions, a projector.

1099Projector 1   [To GABRIEL]   You had a master, but to all I speak.
        Your practices have sunk him from the comforts
        Of all his hopes in fortune, to the gulf
        Of deep despair, from whence he rose inflamed
        With wild distraction and fantastic fury.

1100FerdinandHe’s mad, is he?

1101Projector 1Mad, and has hanged himself–

1102CharissaAlas, my father!

1103[Strangelove]*How! hanged himself?

1104Projector 1All over, sir, with drafts of projects,suits,
        Petitions, grants, and patents, such as were
        The studies and the labours of his life;
        And so attired he thinks himself well armed
        T’encounter all your scorns.
Enter MENDICANT attired all in patents, a windmill on his head,* and PROJECTOR [2].*

1105MendicantRoom here! A hall for a monopolist!
        You commonwealth’s informers, lead me on.
        Bring me before the great assembly. See,
        Fathers Conscript, I present all I have
        For you to cancel.*

1106Swain-witHere’s a brave show, and outshines our device.*

1107MendicantThis is a patent for the taking of poor John and barrel-cod alive, and so to preserve ’em in salt water for the benefit of the fishmongers.*

1108Court-witThere’s salt in this.

1109Swain-witAy, this has some savour in’t.

1110MendicantThis is a fresh one, sir, for the catching, preservation, and transportation of butterflies, whereby they may become a native commodity.

1111Court-witThat’s a subtle one.

1112MendicantThis is for profits out of all the common cries i’ th’ City, as of — ‘Oysters!’ — ‘Codlings!’ — ‘Wood to cleave!’ — ‘Kitchen stuff!’ — and the thousand more, even to the matches for your tinder-box. And all foreigners to pay double. And a fee out of the link-boys’* profits. But no cries to escape: ’Tis for a peace.*

1113DaintyWhat if some should cry ‘Murder, murder!’?

1114Cit-witOr ‘Thieves, thieves!’?

1115Court-witOr ‘Fire, fire!’?

1116Swain-witOr women cry out, ‘Five loaves a penny’?

1117MendicantAll, all should pay. But I submit
        Myself to your most honourable censures.

1118Cit-witWhat does he take us for?

1119Swain-witPowers, powers: a lower house* at least.

1120MendicantAnd all my patents to be concealed.

1121Swain-witOur projects would not take with you: we’ll take yours tho’.

1122DaintyHe shall dance out of ’em. Music! Play out
        Our dance! We will disrobe you presently.

1123Cit-witYes, and dismantle his projectors too.
They all dance. In the dance they pull [the patents from MENDICANT and the cloaks from PROJECTOR 1 and PROJECTOR 2,] who appear all ragged. At the end of the dance [PROJECTOR 1 and PROJECTOR 2 are shoved through the stage doors].*

1124FerdinandAn excellent moral! The projects are all cancelled, and the projectors turned out o’ doors.

1125MendicantTrue, gallants, and now I am myself again,
        I saw th’event of all with good esteem.
        And would as well as you a madman seem.
        And now my blessings on your son and daughter.

1126Swain-wit   [Indicating PHILOMEL]   This bride, Dame Venus here, cools all this while tho’.

1127DaintyBy Mr. Bridegroom’s leave, I’ll stir her blood a little for the good meaning she had towards me.

1128Cit-witYou may do so. He dares not pick her pocket, and for her maidenhead I dare trust him, tho’ he should dance quite out of sight with her.
[PHILOMEL and DAINTY, CHARISSA and FREDERICK] dance. While they dance, the rest confer.*

1129Raphael’Tis well, and all are friends.

1130Ferdinand   [To STRANGELOVE]   You have my protestation,* and in that,
        Madam, my faith before these noble friends.

1131StrangeloveUpon those honourable terms, Sir Ferdinando,
        I will be yours.

1132Cit-witShe’ll have him, it seems, at last.

1133Swain-witShe’s a wise widow by’t: for sure enough, she saw something in his mad naked fit, when he put her to’t, to choose a husband by, won’t out of her thought yet.*
           [To STRANGELOVE]   What is there more to say now, Madam?

1134StrangeloveYou question well.

1135Swain-witBut to supper and to bed?

1136StrangeloveYou consider well.

1137Swain-witWe have had other pastime enough.

1138StrangeloveYou reason well. Would all were pleased as well.
        T’absolve that doubt,   [Indicating the audience]   to those we must appeal.

F I N I S.


1139StrangeloveLadies, your suffrages I chiefly crave
        For th’humble poet. ’Tis in you to save
        Him from the rigorous censure of the rest.
        May you give grace as you’re with beauty blest.
        True: he’s no dandling on a courtly lap,
        Yet may obtain a smile, if not a clap.*

1140FerdinandI’m at the Cavaliers. Heroic spirits,
        That know both to reward, and achieve merits,
        Do, like the sunbeams, virtuously dispense
        Upon the lowest growths their influence,
        As well as on the lofty: our poet so
        By your Phoebean*favours hopes to grow.

1141Cit-witAnd now you generous spirits of the City
        That are no less in money than brain witty,
        Myself, my bride, and pretty bride-boy too,
        Our poet for a boon prefers to you.

1142PhilomelAnd though you taste of no such bride-ale cup,
        He hopes y’allow the match to be clapped up.

1143BoyAnd, if this play be naught (yes, so he said)
        That I should gi’ ye my mother for a maid.

1144Swain-witAnd why you now? or you? or you? I’ll speak enough for you all.    [To DAINTY]   You now would tell the audience they should not fear to throng hither the next day, for you will secure their purses cut-free and their pockets pick-free. ’Tis much for you to do tho’.    [To MENDICANT]   And you would say that all your projects are put down, and you’ll take up no new but what shall be spectators* to please you.    [To COURT-WIT]   And your*poetic part induces you, t’apologise now for the poet, too, as they ha’ done already,    [To STRANGELOVE]   you to the ladies,    [To FERDINAND]   you to the cavaliers and gentry,    [To CIT-WIT]   you to the City friend, and all for the poet, poet, poet, when all’s but begging tho’. I’ll speak to ’em all, and to my country folks too if here be any o’em, and yet not beg for the Poet tho’. Why should we? Has not he money for his doings, and the best price too? Because we would ha’ the best! And if it be not, why so!* The poet has showed his wit and we our manners. But to stand beg, beg for reputation for one that has no countenance to carry it, and must ha’ money, is such a pastime!— If it were for one of the great and curious poets that give these plays as the Prologue said, and money too, to have ’em acted *— for them, indeed, we are bound to ply for an applause, because they look for nothing else, and scorn to beg for themselves. But then you’ll say those plays are not given to you: you pay as much for your seats at them as at these, though you sit ne’er the merrier, nor rise the wiser, they are so above common understanding; and tho’ you see for your love, you will judge for your money. Why so for that too, you may. But take heed you displease not the ladies tho’ who are their partial judges, being bribed by flattering verses to commend their plays, for whose fair cause, and by their powerful voices to be cried up wits o’ court, the right worshipful poets boast to have made those interludes, when for aught* you know they bought ’em of University scholars tho’,* and only show their own wits in owning other men’s, and that but as they are like neither.* As thus, ‘Do you like that song?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘I made it.’ ‘Is that scene or that jest good?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘’Twas mine.’ And then if all be good, ‘’Twas all mine.’ There’s wit in that now. But this small poet* vents none but his own, and his by whose care and directions this stage is governed, who has for many years both in his father’s days, and since,* directed poets to write and players to speak till he trained up these youths here to what they are now — ay, some of ’em from before they were able to say a grace of two lines long to have more parts in their pates than would fill so many dryfats. And to be serious with you, if after all this, by the venemous practice of some who study nothing more than his destruction, he should fail us, both poets and players would be at loss in reputation. But this is from our poet again, who tells you plainly all the helps he has or desires. And let me tell you he has made pretty merry jigs that ha’ pleased a many. As (le’me see) Th’Antipodes, and — oh, I shall never forget! —Tom Hoyden o’ Tanton Deane.* He’ll bring him hither very shortly in a new motion, and in a new pair o’ slops and new netherstocks as brisk as a body-louse in a new pasture.
        Meanwhile, if you like this, or not, why so?
        You may be pleased to clap at parting tho’.

Edited by Marion O'Connor