669DoctorNow, sir, be pleased to cloud your princely raiment
        With this disguise. Great kings have done the like*
[PEREGRINE] puts on a cloak and hat.

        To make discovery of passages
        Among the people: thus you shall perceive
        What to approve, and what correct among ’em.

670PeregrineAnd so I’ll cherish or severely punish.
Enter an OLD WOMAN, reading [a handbill]. To her, a young MAID [carrying a book].

671DoctorStand close sir, and observe.

672Old Woman   [Reads]   “Royal pastime ... in a great match between the tanners and the butchers, six dogs of a side, to play single at the game bear* for fifty pound and a ten-pound supper, for their dogs and themselves. Also you shall see two ten-dog courses at the great bear*.”

673MaidFie, granny, fie! Can no persuasions,
        Threat’nings, nor blows prevail, but you’ll persist
        In these profane and diabolical courses*?
        To follow bear-baitings, when you can scarce
        Spell out their bills with spectacles?

674Old WomanWhat though
        My sight be gone beyond the reach of spectacles,
        In any print but this, and though I cannot
        (No, no, I cannot) read your meditations*,(strikes down her book)
        Yet I can see the royal game played over and over,
        And tell which dog does best, without my spectacles.
        And though I could not*, yet I love the noise;
        The noise revives me, and the bear-garden scent*
        Refresheth much my smelling.

675MaidLet me entreat you
        Forbear such beastly pastimes; they’re satanical.

676Old WomanTake heed, child, what you say: ’tis the king’s game*.

677PeregrineWhat is my game?

678DoctorBear-baiting, sir, she means.

679Old WomanA bear’s a princely beast, and “one side venison”*,
        Writ a good author once. You yet want years,
        And are with baubles pleased; I’ll see the bears.Exit[s].

680MaidAnd I must bear* with it. She’s full of wine,
        And for the present wilful, but in due
        Season I’ll humble her. But we are all
        Too subject to infirmity*.
Enter a [second] young GENTLEMAN* and an old SERVINGMAN.

681GentlemanBoy—. Boy—.

683GentlemanHere take my cloak.

684PeregrineBoy, did he say?

685DoctorYes sir, old servants are
        But boys to masters, be they ne’er so young.

686Gentleman’Tis heavy, and I sweat.

687ServingmanTake mine, and keep
        You warm then. I’ll wear yours.[They exchange cloaks.]

688GentlemanOut, you varlet!
        Dost thou obscure it, as thou meant’st to pawn it?
        Is this a cloak unworthy of the light?
        Publish* it, sirrah. ――Oh, presumptuous slave!
        Display it on one arm*. ――Oh, ignorance!

689ServingmanPray load your ass yourself, as you would have it.

690GentlemanNay, prithee, be not angry.
[Rearranging the cloak on the SERVINGMAN's arm]

        Thus. And now
        Be sure you bear’t at no such distance but
        As’t may be known appendix* to this book.*

691PeregrineThis custom I have seen with us.

692DoctorYes, but
        It was derived from the Antipodes.

693MaidIt is a dainty creature, and my blood
        Rebels against the spirit*: I must speak to him.

694ServingmanSir, here’s a Gentlewoman makes towards you.

695GentlemanMe? She’s deceived. I am not for her mowing.

696MaidFair sir, may you vouchsafe my company?

697GentlemanNo truly, I am none of those* you look for.
        The way is broad enough.[She seizes his arm.]
        Unhand me, pray you.

698MaidPray, sir, be kinder to a lass that loves you.

699GentlemanSome such there are, but I am none of those.

700MaidCome, this is but a copy of your countenance*.
        I ha’ known you better than you think I do.

701GentlemanWhat ha’ you known me for?

702MaidI knew you once
        For half a piece*, I take it.

703GentlemanYou are deceived
        The whole breadth of your nose*. I scorn it.

704MaidCome be not coy, but send away your servant,
        And let me gi’ you a pint of wine.

705GentlemanPray keep
        Your courtesy, I can bestow the wine
        Upon myself, if I were so disposed*
        To drink in taverns. Fah!

706MaidLet me bestow’t
        Upon you at your lodging then; and there
        Be civilly* merry.

707GentlemanWhich if you do,
        My wife shall thank you for it; but your better
        Course is to seek one fitter for your turn;
        You'll lose your aim in me, and I befriend you
        To tell you so.

708MaidGip gaffer shotten.* Fagh!
        Take that for your coy counsel.Kicks [GENTLEMAN].

709GentlemanHelp! Oh, help!

710ServingmanWhat mean you, gentlewoman?

711MaidThat to you sir.Kicks [SERVINGMAN too].

712GentlemanOh murder! Murder!

713ServingmanPeace, good master,
        And come away. Some cowardly jade, I warrant,
        That durst not strike a woman*.

714ConstableWhat's the matter?

715Servingman   [To Maid]   But an we were your match—

716WatchWhat would you do?
        Come, come afore the Constable. Now, if
        You were her match, what would you do, sir?

        They have done too much already sir: a virgin[She] weeps.
        Shall not pass shortly for these street-walkers*,
        If some judicious order be not taken.

718GentlemanHear me the truth*.

719ConstableSir, speak to your companions:
        I have a wife and daughters and am bound
        By hourly precepts to hear women first,
        Be’t truth, or no truth. Therefore, virgin, speak,
        And fear no bugbears, I will do thee justice.

720MaidSir, they assailed me, and with violent hands,
        When words could not prevail, they would have drawn me
        Aside unto their lust,* till I cried murder.

721GentlemanProtest*, sir, as I am a gentleman
        And as my man's a man, she beat us both
        Till I cried murder.

722ServingmanThat’s the woeful truth on’t.

723ConstableYou are a party and no witness, sir.
        Besides you’re two, and one is easier
        To be believed. Moreover, as you have the odds
        In number, what were justice, if it should not support
        The weaker side? Away with them to the Counter*.

724PeregrineCall you this justice?

725DoctorIn th’Antipodes.

726PeregrineHere’s much to be reformed. Young man, thy virtue
        Hath won my favour. Go: thou art at large.

727DoctorBe gone.

728GentlemanHe puts me out. My part is now
        To bribe the constable.

729DoctorNo matter*. Go.*GENTLEMAN and [SERVINGMAN]* ex[it].

730PeregrineAnd you sir, take that sober seeming wanton
        And clap her up till I hear better of her.
        I’ll strip you of your office and your ears* else.

731DoctorAt first show mercy.

732PeregrineThey are an ignorant nation
        And have my pity mingled with correction:
        And therefore, damsel (for you are the first
        Offender I have noted here and this
        Your first offence, for ought I know)

733MaidYes, truly.

734DoctorThat was well said.

735PeregrineGo, and transgress no more.
        And, as you find my mercy sweet, see that
        You be not cruel to your grandmother
        When she returns from bear-baiting.

736DoctorSo all be gone.[MAID] ex[its]
Enter BUFF WOMAN*, her head and face bleeding, and many women, as from a prize.

737PeregrineAnd what are these?

738DoctorA woman fencer, that has played a prize,
        It seems, with loss of blood.

739PeregrineIt doth amaze me.They pass over [the stage and exit].
        What can her husband be, when she’s a fencer?

740DoctorHe keeps a school and teacheth needlework,
        Or some such arts, which we call womanish.

741Peregrine’Tis most miraculous and wonderful.

742Man-Scold (within)*Rogues! Varlets! Harlots! Ha’ you done your worst,
        Or would you drown me? Would you take my life?

743Women (within)Duck him again. Duck him again.

744PeregrineWhat noise is this?

745DoctorSome man it seems, that’s ducked for scolding*.

746PeregrineA man for scolding?

747DoctorYou shall see.
Enter WOMEN* and MAN-SCOLD*.

748WomenSo, so.
        Enough, enough. He will be quiet now.

749Man-ScoldHow know you that, you devil-ridden witch*, you?
        How, quiet? Why quiet? Has not the law passed on me,
        Over and over me, and must I be quiet?

7501 Woman*Will you incur the law the second time?

751Man-ScoldThe law’s the river, is’t? Yes, ’tis a river
        Through which great men, and cunning, wade or swim;
        But mean and ignorant must drown in’t.* No
        You hags and hellhounds, witches, bitches, all
        That were the law, the judge and executioners,
        To my vexation, I hope to see
        More flames about your ears*, than all the water
        You cast me in can quench.

7523 WomanIn with him again:
        He calls us names.

753Man-ScoldNo, no; I charge ye, no!*
        Was ever harmless creature so abused?
        To be drenched under water, to learn dumbness
        Amongst the fishes, as I were forbidden
        To use the natural members I was born with,
        And of them all, the chief that man takes pleasure in:
        The tongue!* Oh me, accursed wretch![He] weeps.

754PeregrineIs this a man?
        I ask not by his beard, but by his tears.

7551 WomanThis shower will spend the fury of his tongue,
        And so the tempest’s over.

7562 WomanI am sorry for’t
        I would have had him ducked once more.
        But somebody will shortly raise the storm
        In him again, I hope, for us to make
        More holiday-sport* of him.[MAN-SCOLD and WOMEN] exit.

757PeregrineSure these are dreams,
        Nothing but dreams.

758DoctorNo, doubtless we are awake, sir.

759PeregrineCan men and women be so contrary
        In all that we hold proper to each sex?

760DoctorI’m glad he takes a taste of sense* in that yet.

761Peregrine’Twill ask long time and study to reduce
        Their manners to our government.

762DoctorThese are
        Low things and easy to be qualified―――
        But see, sir, here come courtiers; note their manners.
Enter a COURTIER* [counting his money.]

7631 CourtierThis was three shillings yesterday, how now!
        All gone but this? Six pence, for leather soles
        To my new green silk stockings*, and a groat
        My ordinary in pompions baked with onions.

764PeregrineDo such eat pompions?*

765DoctorYes; and clowns musk-melons.

7661 CourtierThree pence I lost at ninepins; but I got
        Six tokens towards that at pigeon-holes――――
        ’S nails!   [Enter 2 COURTIER, unseen by 1 Courtier.]*   Where’s the rest? Is my poke bottom broke?

7672 CourtierWhat, Jack! A pox o’ertake thee not? How dost?Kicks [him].

7681 CourtierWhat with a vengeance ail’st? Dost think my breech
        Is made of bell-metal? Take that!Box[es him] o’th’ ear.

7692 CourtierIn earnest?

7701 CourtierYes, till more comes.[Grabs him by the hair.]*

7712 CourtierPox rot your hold! Let go my lock. D’ye think
        You’re currying of your father’s horse again?

7721 CourtierI’ll teach you to abuse a man behind
        Was troubled too much afore*.
They buffet.
Ent[er]* 3rd COURT[IER, just as 2nd COURTIER knocks down* 1st COURTIER.]

7733 CourtierHey! There boys, there.
        Good boys are good boys still. There, Will! There, Jack!
        Not a blow, now he’s down.

7742 Courtier’Twere base, I scorn’t.

7751 CourtierThere’s as proud fall as stand in court or city.

7763 CourtierThat’s well said, Will. Troth, I commend you both.
        How fell you out? I hope in no great anger.

7772 CourtierFor mine own part I vow I was in jest.

7781 CourtierBut I have told you twice and once, Will, jest not
        With me behind. I never could endure
        (Not of a boy) to put up things behind;
        And that my tutor knew: I had been a scholar else.*
        Besides you know my sword was nocked* i’th’ fashion,
        Just here behind, for my back-guard and all;
        And yet you would do’t.*
        I had as lief you would take a knife――

7793 CourtierCome, come,
        You’re friends. Shake hands I’ll give you half a dozen
        At the next ale-house to set all right and straight.
        And a new song; a dainty one*; here ’tis.[Showing them] a ballad[-sheet].

7801 CourtierOh, thou art happy that canst read――
        I would buy ballads too, had I thy learning.

7813 CourtierCome, we burn daylight*, and the ale may sour.[They] ex[it].

782PeregrineCall you these Courtiers? They are rude silken clowns*,
        As coarse within as watermen or car-men.

783DoctorThen look on these: here are of those conditions.
Ent[er] CAR-MAN* [and] WATERMAN.

784WatermanSir, I am your servant.

785Car-ManI am much obliged,
        Sir, by the plenteous favours your humanity
        And noble virtue have conferred upon me,
        To answer with my service your deservings.

786WatermanYou speak what I should say. Be therefore pleased
        T’unload, and lay the weight of your commands
        Upon my care to serve you.

787Car-ManStill your courtesies,
        Like waves of a spring-tide, o’er-flow the banks
        Of your abundant store; and from your channel
        Or stream of fair affections you cast forth
        Those sweet refreshings on me (that were else
        But sterile earth) which cause a gratitude
        To grow upon me, humble, yet ambitious
        In my devoir* to do you best of service.

788WatermanI shall no more extend my utmost labour
        With oar and sail to gain the livelihood
        Of wife and children than to set ashore
        You and your faithful honourers at the haven
        Of your best wishes.

789Car-ManSir, I am no less
        Ambitious to be made the happy means,
        With whip and whistle, to draw up or drive
        All your detractors to the gallows*.

        Our noble friend*.

791SedanmanRight happily encountered――*
        I am the just admirer of your virtues.

792[Both]We are, in all, your servants.

793SedanmanI was in quest
        Of such elect society to spend
        A dinner-time withal.

794Both*Sir, we are for you.

795SedanmanThree are the golden number* in a tavern:
        And at the next of best*, with the best meat
        And wine the house affords (if you so please)
        We will be competently merry. I
        Have received, lately, letters from beyond seas,
        Importing much* of the occurrences,
        And passages of foreign states. The knowledge
        Of all, I shall impart to you.

        Have all the new advertisements from both
        Our universities* of what has passed
        The most remarkably of late.

797Car-ManAnd from
        The court I have the news at full,
        Of all that was observable this progress.

798PeregrineFrom court?

799DoctorYes, sir. They know not there they have
        A new king here at home.

800Sedanman’Tis excellent!
        We want but now the news-collecting gallant*
        To fetch his dinner and materials
        For his this week’s dispatches.

801WatermanI dare think
        The meat and news being hot upon the table,
        He’ll smell his way to’t.

802SedanmanPlease you to know yours, sir?

803Car-ManSir, after you.

804SedanmanExcuse me.

805WatermanBy no means, sir.

806Car-ManSweet sir, lead on.

807SedanmanIt shall be as your servant
        Then to prepare your dinner.

808WatermanPardon me.

809Car-ManIn sooth I’ll follow you.

810WatermanYet ’tis my obedience.[CAR-MAN, WATERMAN and SEDANMAN] Ex[it].

811PeregrineAre these but labouring men and t’other courtiers?

812DoctorTis common here, sir, for your watermen
        To write most learnedly*, when your courtier
        Has scarce ability to read*.

813PeregrineBefore I reign
        A month among them, they shall change their notes*,
        Or I’ll ordain a course to change their coats*
        I shall have much to do in reformation.

814DoctorPatience and counsel will go through it, sir.

815PeregrineWhat if I craved a counsel from New England?*
        The old will spare me none.

816DoctorIs this man mad?*
        My cure goes fairly on. Do you marvel that
        Poor men outshine the courtiers? Look you, sir,
These persons pass over the stage in couples,
according as he describes them.

        A sick man giving counsel to a physician;
        And there’s a puritan tradesman teaching a
        Great traveller to lie;* that ballad-woman
        Gives light to the most learned antiquary
        In all the kingdom.

817Ballad-SingerBuy new ballads, come.

818DoctorA natural fool, there, giving grave instructions
        T’a lord ambassador; that’s a schismatic*,
        Teaching a scrivener to keep his ears*;
        A parish clerk, there, gives the rudiments
        Of military discipline to a general:
        And there’s a basket-maker confuting Bellarmine*.

819PeregrineWill you make me mad?*
Ent[er during the following speech] BYPLAY* like a statesman
[and] three or four PROJECTORS* with bundles of papers.

820DoctorWe are sailed, I hope,
        Beyond the line of madness. Now sir, see
        A statesman, studious for the commonwealth*,
        Solicited by projectors of the country*.

821ByplayYour projects are all good; I like them well,
        Especially these two: this for th’increase of wool,
        And this for the destroying of mice. They’re good
        And grounded on great reason. As for yours
        For putting down the infinite use of jacks
        (Whereby the education of young children*
        In turning spits* is greatly hindered)
        It may be looked into. And yours against
        The multiplicity of pocket watches,
        (Whereby much neighbourly familiarity,
        By asking, “what d’ye guess it is o’clock?”
        Is lost) when every puny clerk can carry
        The time o’th’ day in’s breeches: this, and these,
        Hereafter may be looked into. For present:
        This for the increase of wool (that is to say,
        By flaying of live horses and new covering them
        With sheepskins), I do like exceedingly.
        And this for keeping of tame owls in cities
        To kill up rats and mice, whereby all cats
        May be destroyed, as an especial means
        To prevent witchcraft and contagion*.

822PeregrineHere’s a wise business!

823ProjectorWill your honour now,
        Be pleased to take into consideration
        The poor men’s suits for briefs to get relief,
        By common charity throughout the kingdom,
        Towards recovery of their lost estates?

824ByplayWhat are they? Let me hear.

825ProjectorFirst, here’s a gamester that sold house and land
        To the known value of five thousand pounds,
        And by misfortune of the dice lost all,
        To his extreme undoing, having neither
        A wife or child to succour him.

826ByplayA bachelor?

827ProjectorYes, my good lord.

828ByplayAnd young and healthful?

830ByplayAlas, ’tis lamentable! He deserves much pity.

831PeregrineHow’s this?

832DoctorObserve him further, pray sir.

833ProjectorThen, here’s a bawd of sixty-odd years’ standing.

834ByplayHow old was she when she set up?

835ProjectorBut four
        And twenty, my good lord. She was both ware
        And merchant; flesh and butcher* (as they say)
        For the first twelve years of her housekeeping*.
        She’s now upon fourscore and has made markets
        Of twice four thousand choice virginities;
        And twice their number of indifferent gear.
        (No riff-raff was she ever known to cope for)
        Her life is certified here by the justices,
        Adjacent to her dwelling―――

836ByplayShe is decayed.

837ProjectorQuite trade-fallen, my good lord, now in her dotage;
        And desperately undone by riot.

838Byplay’Las, good woman.

839ProjectorShe has consumed in prodigal feasts and fiddlers
        And lavish lendings to debauched comrades
        That sucked her purse, in jewels, plate and money,
        To the full value of six thousand pounds*.

840ByplayShe shall have a collection, and deserves it.

841Peregrine’Tis monstrous, this.

842ProjectorThen here are divers more,
        Of pandars, cheaters, house and highway robbers,
        That have got great estates in youth and strength
        And wasted all as fast in wine and harlots,
        Till age o’ertook ’em, and disabled them
        For getting more.

843ByplayFor such the law provides
        Relief within those counties where they practised.

844PeregrineHa! What, for thieves?

845DoctorYes, their law punisheth
        The robbed and not the thief, for surer warning
        And the more safe prevention. I have seen
        Folks whipped for losing of their goods and money
        And the pickpockets cherished.

846ByplayThe weal public,
        As it severely punisheth their neglect
        (Undone by fire-ruins, shipwreck and the like)
        With whips, with brands*, and loss of careless ears*,
        Imprisonment, banishment, and sometimes death;
        And carefully maintaineth houses of correction*
        For decayed scholars and maimed soldiers,
        So doth it find relief and almshouses,
        For such as lived by rapine and by cozenage.

847PeregrineStill worse and worse! Abominable! Horrid!

848ProjectorYet here is one, my lord, ’bove all the rest,
        Whose services have generally been known,
        Though now he be a spectacle of pity.

849ByplayWho’s that?

850ProjectorThe captain of the cutpurses, my lord;
        That was the best at’s art that ever was,
        Is fallen to great decay by the dead palsy
        In both his hands, and craves a large collection.

851ByplayI’ll get it him.

852PeregrineYou shall not get it him.
        Do you provide whips, brands and ordain death
        For men that suffer under fire or shipwreck
        The loss of all their honest gotten wealth,
        And find relief for cheaters, bawds, and thieves?
        I’ll hang ye all.

853ByplayMercy, great king.

854AllO mercy!

855ByplayLet not our ignorance suffer in your wrath,
        Before we understand your highness’ laws.
        We went by custom and the warrant, which
        We had in your late predecessor’s reign.*
        But let us know your pleasure, you shall find
        The state and commonwealth in all obedient
        To alter custom, law, religion, all,
        To be conformable to your commands.

856Peregrine’Tis a fair protestation; and my mercy
        Meets your submission. See you merit it
        In your conformity.
[During the following] LETOY, DIANA [and] JOYLESS, appear above*.

857ByplayGreat sir, we shall.
        In sign whereof we lacerate these papers*
        And lay our necks beneath your kingly feet.

858PeregrineStand up, you have our favour.

859DianaAnd mine too.
        Never was such an actor as Extempore!

860JoylessYou were best to fly out of the window to him.

861DianaMethinks I am even light* enough to do it.

862JoylessI could find in my heart to quoit thee at him.

863DianaSo he would catch me in his arms, I cared not.

864LetoyPeace both of you, or you’ll spoil all.

865ByplayYour grace
        Abounds― abounds― your grace― I say, abounds.

866LetoyPox o’ your mumbling chops. Is your brain dry?*
        Do you pump?*

867DianaHe has done much, my lord, and may
        Hold out a little.

868LetoyWould you could hold your peace
        So long.

869DianaDo you sneap me too, my lord?

870JoylessHa, ha, ha!


872JoylessI hope his hotter zeal to’s actors
        Will drive out my wife’s love-heat.

873DianaI had
        No need to come hither to be sneaped.

        The rest will all be lost, we now give over
        The play, and do all by extempore,
        For your son’s good, to sooth him into’s wits.
        If you’ll mar all, you may. Come nearer, coxcomb,
        Ha’ you forgotten (puppy) my instructions
        Touching his subjects and his marriage?

875ByplayI have all* now, my lord.

876PeregrineWhat voice was that?

877ByplayA voice out of the clouds* that doth applaud
        Your highness’ welcome to your subjects’ loves.

878LetoySo, now he’s in. Sit still, I must go down
        And set out things in order.Ex[its].

879ByplayA voice that doth inform me of the tidings,
        Spread through your kingdom, of your great arrival;
        And of the general joy your people bring
        To celebrate the welcome of their king.
Shouts within.*

        Hark how the country shouts with joyful votes,
        Rending the air with music of their throats.
Drum & trumpets.

        Hark how the soldier with his martial noise
        Threatens your foes, to fill your crown with joys.

        Hark how the city with loud harmony
        Chants a free welcome to your majesty.
Soft music.

        Hark how the court prepares your grace to meet
        With solemn music, state and beauty sweet*.
The soft music playing, ent[er] by two and two, divers COURTIERS, MARTHA after them, like a queen*, between two boys in robes, her train borne up by BARBARA. All the LORDS kneel and kiss PEREGRINE’S hand. MARTHA approaching, he starts back, but is drawn on by BYPLAY and the DOCTOR. LETOY enters and mingles with the rest, and seems to instruct them all.

880DianaOh, here’s a stately show! Look, Master Joyless:
        Your daughter-in-law presented like a queen
        Unto your son. I warrant now he’ll love her.

881JoylessA queen?

882DianaYes, yes, and Mistress Blaze is made
        The mother of her maids*, if she have any*:
        Perhaps the Antipodean court has none.
        See, see, with what a majesty he receives ’em.

        Health, wealth, and joy our wishes bring,
        All in a welcome to our king:
        May no delight be found,
        Wherewith he be not crowned
        Apollo with the Muses,
        Who arts divine infuses*,
        With their choice garlands deck his head;
        Love and the Graces make his bed:
        And to crown all, let Hymen* to his side
        Plant a delicious, chaste and fruitful bride.

883ByplayNow, sir, be happy in a marriage choice,
        That shall secure your title of a king.
        See, sir, your state presents to you the daughter,
        The only child and heir apparent of
        Our late deposed and deceased sovereign,
        Who with his dying breath bequeathed her to you.

884PeregrineA crown secures not an unlawful marriage.
        I have a wife already.

885DoctorNo: you had, sir,
        But she’s deceased.

886PeregrineHow know you that?

887DoctorBy sure advertisement; and that her fleeting spirit
        Is flown into, and animates this princess.

888PeregrineIndeed she’s wondrous like her.

889DoctorBe not slack
        T’embrace and kiss her, sir.
He kisses her and retires.

890MarthaHe kisses sweetly;
        And that is more than e’er my husband did.
        But more belongs than kissing to child-getting;
        And he’s so like my husband, if you note him,
        That I shall but lose time and wishes by him.
        No, no, I’ll none of him.

891BarbaraI’ll warrant you he shall fulfil your wishes.

892MarthaOh, but try him you first and then tell me.

893BarbaraThere’s a new way indeed to choose a husband!
        Yet ’twere a good one to bar fool-getting.

894DoctorWhy do you stand aloof, sir?

895PeregrineMandeville writes
        Of people near the Antipodes, called Gadlibriens*,
        Where on the wedding-night the husband hires
        Another man to couple with his bride,
        To clear the dangerous passage of a maidenhead.

896Doctor’Slid, he falls back again to Mandeville madness.

897PeregrineShe may be of that serpentine generation
        That stings oft-times to death (as Mandeville writes).

898DoctorShe’s no Gadlibrien, sir, upon my knowledge.
        You may as safely lodge with her, as with
        A maid of our own nation. Besides,
        You shall have ample counsel: for the present,
        Receive her and entreat her to your chapel.

899ByplayFor safety of your kingdom, you must do it.
Hautboys[. PEREGRINE, MARTHA, BARBARA, the DOCTOR and the procession] exit in state, as LETOY directs. LETOY stays.

900LetoySo, so, so, so. This yet may prove a cure.

901DianaSee my lord now is acting by himself.

902LetoyAnd Letoy’s wit cried up triumphant. Ho!
        Come, Master Joyless and your wife, come down
        Quickly, your parts are next. I had almost
        Forgot to send my chaplain after them.
        You, Domine, where are you?
Enter QUAILPIPE* in a fantastical shape*.

903QuailpipeHere, my lord.

904LetoyWhat in that shape?

905[Quailpipe]*’Tis for my part, my lord,
        Which is not all performed.

906LetoyIt is, sir, and the play for this time*. We
        Have other work in hand.

907QuailpipeThen have you lost
        Action (I dare be bold to speak it) that
        Most of my coat could hardly imitate.

908LetoyGo shift your coat, sir, or for expedition
        Cover it with your own*, due to your function.
        Follies as well as vices may be hid so;
        Your virtue is the same. Dispatch, and do
        As Doctor Hughball shall direct you. Go.      
QUA[ILPIPE] exit[s, as] JOYLESS [and] DIANA enter.*.

        Now Master Joyless, do you note the progress
        And the fair issue likely to ensue
        In your son’s cure? Observe the doctor’s art.
        First, he has shifted your son’s known disease
        Of madness into folly; and has wrought him
        As far short of a competent reason as
        He was of late beyond it. As a man
        Infected by some foul disease is drawn
        By physic into an anatomy*,
        Before flesh fit for health can grow to rear him,
        So is a madman made a fool before
        Art can take hold of him to wind him up
        Into his proper centre, or the medium
        From which he flew beyond himself. The doctor
        Assures me now, by what he has collected
        As well from learned authors* as his practice,
        That his much troubled and confused brain
        Will by the real knowledge of a woman,
        Now opportunely ta’en, be by degrees
        Settled and rectified with the helps beside
        Of rest and diet, which he’ll administer.

909DianaBut ’tis the real knowledge of the woman,
        Carnal, I think you mean, that carries it?

910LetoyRight, right.

911DianaNay, right or wrong, I could even wish,
        If he were not my husband’s son, the doctor
        Had made myself his recipe, to be
        The means of such a cure.

912JoylessHow, how?

913DianaPerhaps that course might cure your madness too
        Of jealousy, and set all right on all sides.
        Sure, if I could but make him such a fool*,
        He would forgo his madness, and be brought
        To Christian sense again.

914JoylessHeaven grant me patience
        And send us to my country home* again.

915DianaBesides, the young man’s wife’s as mad as he.
        What wise work will they make!

916LetoyThe better, fear’t not.
        Bab Blaze shall give her counsel; and the youth
        Will give her royal satisfaction
        Now in this kingly humour. I have a way
        To cure your husband’s jealousy myself.

917DianaThen I am friends again. Even now I was not,
        When you sneaped me, my lord.

918LetoyThat you must pardon.
        Come Master Joyless. The new married pair
        Are towards bed by this time; we’ll not trouble them*
        But keep a house-side to our selves*. Your lodging
        Is decently appointed.

919JoylessSure your lordship
        Means not to make your house our prison?

        My Lordship but I will, for this one night.
        See sir, the keys are in my hand. You’re up,
        As I am true Letoy. Consider, sir,
        The strict necessity that ties you to’t,
        As you expect a cure upon your son―――*
        Come, lady, see your chamber.

921DianaI do wait
        Upon your lordship.

922JoylessI both wait and watch.
        Never was man so mastered by his match.All ex[it].*

Edited by Richard Cave